Back Again

by

Larry Rich

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2010 © Larry Rich

Phone: 646-546 5970

Email: rich-cbc@zahav.net.il

Stories about the afterlife usually tell about getting there. This is a tale about going back the other way … from the pre-life.

Back Again

Like I am, you’re a part of it, but you, like me, know nothing about it. Or, almost nothing. You may think you do, but believe me, you don’t. From my vantage point, I have a different view of things. A different perspective. You will too, in time. For now, I would just like to share with you the journey. My journey. Your journey.

Don’t ask me when it began because nobody knows. Nobody. I can only tell you that everyone here has been around for a very long time. Including you. We’re learning all the time, some more than others. We all make mistakes, some more than others. All of us, including you, have a degree of control over our respective destinies, but you may be surprised to learn how that plays out. Life, as we here understand it, is far more complex, fun, incomprehensibly multi-faceted and simple than you could possibly imagine.

Who am I? Call me Abi. Over here, we are neither male nor female, rather a bit of both. Let’s talk more about that later. We’re actually just a part of … ‘it’ … ‘something’. Calling it anything is inconsequential as being here is all that matters.

This, here, is where it is really happening. Where you are now is only a stepping-stone along an infinite path. How you balance on that stone will, however, have a direct and irreversible impact on the remainder of your journey. Again, not how you may imagine.

********

When I arrived here, I was shocked. Goodbyes and farewells and I’ll miss you’s are much more energy draining on those left standing on the earth than those lowered into it. I remember how much energy I used up when I had to say goodbye to someone, as opposed to the energy-rush I experienced when I passed over, died, croaked, bought it or whatever else you care to call the return. Yes, the return … because it started over here and not over there as you may suspect.

My physical body was totally irrelevant in relation to how I am now. I loved that physical body while I had it, but nothing can compare to what I have, the way I really am.

You and I, in our true states, are entities – for lack of a better term, yet you may not understand that. We are energy, in sync with the incomprehensible universe that we are fortunately a part of. I’ll explain this to you as it was once explained to me a very long time ago (let’s leave a discussion on the concepts of time for later in the story) …

The Return

On that particular day, I found myself floating well above a tree line and I was confused. I was thinking to myself that this is more than strange. Maybe a dream.

“No, you’re not dreaming.” I heard the voice, but saw nothing. “You’ve simply returned and now you’re ready.”

Returned to where? I thought to myself. And ready for what? I loved the view.

“To put this in temporary terms that you will understand … you’re dead.”

Right. And we’re carrying on a conversation. This was one helluva dream.

“I told you that this is not a dream. Follow me.”

I suddenly found myself following him, her, it and I had absolutely no idea how. I could see only the panorama below of trees and gentle rolling hills that were quickly approaching me as if I were falling, albeit at a controlled and fearless pace. I then found myself on the shaded side of a large dark rock that must have been the size of a house. Below me the hill slid away down and to the left.

“Now, focus on the rock directly in front of you and tell me what you see.”

I see a big rock, you clown and noth… whoaaaaaaa. There was something there.

“Focus”

I think I see a kind of a small cloud. No definitive shape, yet about the size of something I could wrap my arms around. What am I looking at?

“Me. And I’m not a clown. I’m like you and everyone else who ever was and is.”

Whoever was communicating with me was calm, gentle and obviously in charge of the moment. Now, I was intrigued. Ok, you’ve got my attention. Now, who are you really?

“Well, I’m not anybody that you know. I am known as Mo. We all have only one name.”

We?

“Sure, we. For the moment, you and I are alone, but I assure you that in a large gathering you would recognize me instantly and communicate with me as you are now.”

Ok, Mo, you’re God, right? Have I been good?

“No, I’m not God, but thank you for the compliment. As to you having been good, I can only say that you were good enough to be here as you are now. If you had been otherwise, then you and I would not be communicating as we are.”

How, exactly, are we communicating? And how did I get here?

“Follow me, Abi and then listen carefully to what I have to say to you.”

Abi? Is that me?

“Come.”

We were suddenly moving quickly through the air without the slightest sensation of breeze. Interesting. We then were hovering a few meters above a man’s body lying face down in the mud of a path. The back of the head had a large bloody wound as if it had been struck with considerable force. The body was mine. Oh shit.

“You were attacked.”

I don’t remember being attacked.

“You never saw it coming. They took what money and possessions you had and fled. Don’t worry, they will not get away with it … but not how you might imagine. Let’s leave that for now. Are you ready to have some fun?”

Hey, sure! I’ve just been murdered, robbed and left in the mud to rot. I’m talking to a cloud named Mo and being dragged through the air of the countryside by somebody or something while I still don’t have a clue as to what I am or how this is happening. Are we going to play a game?

“No, although maybe some other time. I’d like you to now travel around the valley and go as high and as fast as you possibly can. Don’t be afraid – only focus on me on your way back and meet me at the rock. Have fun.’

I was suddenly alone. I don’t know how I knew that, but I was. I floated around the body in the mud and looked at the dull brown shirt, loose-fitting pants and the sandals … worn leather sandals. I quickly became bored with that and wondered about my wife and kid. Do they know what happened to me? I was anxious about them, but even more intrigued by what was happening and by the scenic beauty all around me.

I decided that I would go to them, but first I wanted to have some fun. I discovered that I was able to effortlessly move up, down, left and right by only thinking about it. I began by moving, flying upward and stopped when the body in the mud was only a brownish fleck on the landscape below. I could see for miles in every direction and I was overtaken by a need for speed and height. I surged upwards staring only at the blue cloudless sky above me. I belonged there. Here. I then stopped and looked back down and realized that the valley had become a vast expanse of land bordered on the right by a sea. How could this be? Who cared? I surged right and then left and watched as mountains appeared and faded from view. There seemed to be no limit to the speed that I was able to generate, while never was there even the slightest sense of the flow of air rushing past me. It was as if I was the air. At one point I stopped to try and get a glimpse of myself. Wings, arms or something. Nothing. Only an intense awareness of being … and total unabashed freedom. I thought of my family and felt a flicker of remorse or guilt for enjoying myself, but I flew higher and it became dark and I reversed earthwards. I began to focus on my friend (?) and the rock. The land rushed up towards me and some inexplicable instinct in an undefined moment of time brought me to a full stop directly in front of the rock. Again, no feeling of momentum. Wow.

“Enjoy yourself?”

Oh, yah. I like it here. A lot.

“Of course you do. You’re home, Abi. You belong here.”

You know, I had that very thought when I was flying around up there. But, why do you call me Abi? And what about my real family? Where are they? Where are we? What are we? I was ready for some answers. The sun was going down, it was darker on our side of the rock and my friend the cloud was becoming easier to see.

“You have always been known as Abi, but only now are you ready to learn of this and much more. Your wife and daughter will mourn you like you mourned your parents and they mourned theirs. You may visit them whenever you wish, but they will not be able to see or hear you. You will soon tire of those visits and you may choose to greet them when they too return.”

Again, that reference to ‘return’. The only sense that word made for me was in the context of me going back to my family. Mo spoke as if I’ve been here before.

“You have, many times. But, leave that for now and let me share some secrets with you. Like I said when we first met, you’re ready to hear them now.”

How are we communicating? I don’t seem to have any ‘body’ to speak of. And how can I see you … your cloud or whatever you are?

“We are a part of something much greater and more vast than the world you just returned from. Everything in that world and this one is linked inextricably by an invisible force, energy and an intelligence that is beyond our comprehension. Imagine an unseen fine thread that is woven through every person ever to walk that glorious earth in an unbroken seam that is also connected to every tree, blade of grass, stone, drop of water, grain of sand, bird, fish and animal.”

That must be what I tripped over so many times before I got here.

“In a manner of speaking, yes … but, not in the way you are inferring. The thread that I am referring to is a metaphor. The thread is the life force that flows through everything.”

Rocks? Have you spoken to one lately?

“Rocks and every inanimate object that exists contain the same invisible forces that people are made of, only in varying degrees. It’s just that we are blessed with something extra. Another invisible force that some refer to as spirit or soul. We don’t yet understand it, but we know that it is what allows us to learn, react, respond, feel and relate to others like ourselves. Intelligence is a part of it, as is a lack of it. This something extra is also what allows us to return here.”

You said that I was now ready. I don’t remember being here before nor do I remember ever having a conversation like this. I also don’t understand how we are conversing at all, with no mouths to speak out of.

“That something extra of yours, let’s refer to it as your soul for lack of a better term, has reached a stage of development that allows you to learn and absorb more. Believe me when I tell you that you have been here before, you only have not been ready to hear about it.”

Are you talking about evolution?

“In a way, yes. We have all passed through an endless chain of reincarnations, from insects to fish to mammals to human and everything in between. Every time we returned, or died, we were immediately sent back again as some other life form. At some point in the cycle, we began to understand more and develop. There is spiritual as opposed to physical evolution. I’m now referring to the spiritual. Those not ready to hear the answers don’t ask the questions. You, Abi, are now asking a lot of questions.”

That’s a bit hard to digest. If somebody over there had told me this, I would have walked away and ignored them, thinking they were nuts. Ok, but you still haven’t explained how we’re having this conversation.

“Telepathy. Simple and complex as that. I think a thought and direct it at you. You do the same.”

Great, except that like I don’t have wings or hands or feet … I can only assume that I also don’t have a head with a brain in it. Neither do you, for that matter. Are we blowing word bubbles at each other?

“Nice. I’ve never heard it referred to as that before. Listen carefully now, as I need to be moving on. Everything you are and ever were is energy. These little clouds that we appear as are actually the sum total of our respective spiritual development. They contain the invisible forces that are behind awareness, movement, sight, hearing, speech, the ability to understand and to feel emotions. You have much to learn and I have to move on. It’s been good communicating with you. So, until we meet again …”

Just like that he, she, it, Mo was gone. I knew somehow that I would recognize its presence anywhere. As you will see, I was right.

********

After that initiation into the basic essence of my being, I felt oddly relaxed and ready to learn more. I felt hungry, but not for food. For knowledge.

I was also torn between my need to see my family and to explore what I had become. Don’t worry, you will experience the same dilemma – regardless of how much you love(d) your family, friends and your former life. I guess my conscience, or what was left of it got the upper hand as I found my way home. The house was filled with friends and loved ones who were all gathered around my weeping wife, bewildered little girl and angry brother. I moved close to and around them, one by one, slowly … gazing at their bodies and their faces. For them, I was simply gone. Not there. Someone to mourn. I tried communicating with everyone by first whispering and then yelling like an idiot. I didn’t like being ignored. I didn’t like not being there, as they were. I floated around them, watching, feeling bad for my wife and little girl – knowing that they would have to struggle without me. I knew that my brother would help them. That night and for many days and nights following, I stayed near them, observing life without me. I remembered having loved my wife and family and it was then that I discovered that I could not cry. There were no tears or any way for them to get out. I had become a detached observer. An invisible spectator of a game that I could no longer play. Mo never appeared even once. It took about a month before I gave up. I was helpless to do anything for them and I felt in an odd way that I had fulfilled my responsibility by being there while they mourned me. Maybe I was mourning me.

Like Mo said, I soon lost interest. I needed to move on and to learn more about where and what I was. I was so excited just to be around and it felt like heavy chains were lifted from me and like I was free to go.

It was so easy to go anywhere – at lightening speeds and I soon lost all desire to be a voyeur of that other world. I loved mountains and in what seemed like only seconds, I found myself floating above a snow capped windy peak.

This is fascinating, I said to myself. I feel no cold or movement of air, even though I hear and see the wind swirling the snow all around me.

“I also love these moments.”

I couldn’t see whoever was speaking or communicating with me, yet I knew they were near and I sensed exactly where. It was not Mo. Hi, I’m Abi … I think.

“Nice to meet you, Abi. I am Clo. Let’s find someplace dark.”

Together, we flew as one until we reached a narrow valley that was shaded as the sun rested in the west. Who are you, Clo?

“I’m not from this continent. I traveled over a large ocean to get here and I’m amazed at how much beauty there is in this world. I’ve actually circled it several times.”

Wow. I wonder if I could do that without getting lost.

“There is no such thing as getting lost while here. This … all of this is home and we belong here.”

I felt the meaning of what Clo was saying. I gazed the endless expanses of new vistas above and around us, but I had a difficult time imagining it as home. Home to me was familiar grounds and people I knew who spoke my language. Family.

“Before we returned, we would not have been able to understand each other. We resided in different countries on opposite sides of the world. Over here, there is only here and all of it is home. You are able to communicate with anyone you direct your thoughts at, regardless of where you might be.”

That doesn’t make sense to me, Clo. I had to learn to speak, learn all new words and how to say them and absorb what they meant. I remember once a traveler from another country who spoke a language I couldn’t understand. How could you not be from where I am … was?

“I am from where you are. Here.”

But, you said that you lived on the other side of the world.

“Over there, yes. But that was only temporary. Every so often we need to go back there and deal with endless limitations until we return. When we do return, then we are whole again, like we are now.”

Slow down, Clo. You’re losing me. Please … what language are we speaking or thinking or whatever it is that we’re doing?

“Communication is universal, Abi. The energy behind thoughts is universal. You think something and you either communicate it or you do it. Like moving through the air. If I say, ‘go over there’ or if you say it, the energy behind that thought is exactly the same – irregardless as to who is saying or thinking it. Remember, we are energy.”

Ok, that kind of makes sense. But, why didn’t it work like that over there, before we got here? Why couldn’t we understand people from different countries?

“When we go back there, our energy is channeled into the physical body that we are given. Our force is absorbed into the endless energy-demanding intricacies of those bodies; like skin, blood, ears for hearing, mouths and vocal cords for speaking, arms, legs, stomachs, hearts and nerves and on and on and a brain to manage it all. Our energy becomes so diluted that even something so simple as expressing a thought must activate the brain that sends a signal to our throat that must contract and shape itself in a specific manner to force out a vibration of air that is heard by the ears of whoever is standing closest. But first, we need to learn how to speak, learn all the words and we learn that from those immediately around us. So, people learn the sounds and words depending on where they are in the world.”

Wait a minute – you’re contradicting yourself. You just claimed that over here we just think and do it, no matter where we are. And everybody understands everybody. Yet, over there we don’t have that ability – even though you said that we go back there from here. Something is wrong.

“No, Abi … something happens. By the way, you’re good and I like you.”

Thank you. I like you, too. What happens?

“I’ll tell you what happens, but don’t ask me why because I don’t know. It is truly one of the greatest mysteries of our existence. I doubt that anybody knows … “

I’m listening - waiting - thinking, Clo. What happens?

“When the body we have been given emerges from the mother, the instant that we take our first breadth and air enters our new body, a two-minute countdown begins. After two minutes, everything we know and all memory disappears like a fog in the sun. We must learn everything as if we were never there before. Everything.”

Again, you’re not making sense. Why go back there and forget everything if we are already here as perfect little know-it-all clouds of energy and we know everything?

“Yes, we are seemingly perfect little clouds of energy in many ways, but we do not know everything. That seems to have something to do with us having to go back. Nobody knows when it will happen or to whom. There are theories, but nothing definitive. So, Abi, just enjoy yourself while you’re here.”

That’s funny. I just remembered my mother once saying to me to enjoy myself while I was there. That’s a bit odd, isn’t it?

“No, not really. That statement holds universal truth and your last mother was probably very wise.”

My last mother? How many have I had?

“Do you think you’re ready to hear the answer to that question?”

I’m here, aren’t I? Try me.

“Abi, more than you could count.”

Oh.

As I contemplated the meaning of that statement, for the first time since I arrived or returned or whatever, I felt uneasy. Almost off balance. Clo, I think I’ll go off on my own for a while, if you don’t mind.

“I’d really like to play with you, but I understand your need. Go enjoy yourself.”

I sensed that I was alone again and I liked the feeling. I was thinking about my family, conversations with Mo and Clo, about this life force energy and I came to a conclusion. Time for a ride. The sun had set and I began moving around just over the hilltops. The higher I went into the sky, I realized that I could still see the sun far to the west, so I raced towards it. Within seconds I was again awash in daylight and I decided to keep going in the same direction to see where it would lead me. I pushed myself higher to an altitude where I actually saw the curvature of the earth and I watched in fascination as the magnificent sphere below me went from light to dark to light again. Oceans, continents, mountain ranges, valleys, deserts, wide plains and endless vistas passed below me and even though I had no recollection of ever having been here before, I felt at home. Just like Mo had said. I went down to a snow-less mountaintop that I had certainly never seen before and just hovered. My last mother was only the last in an endless chain? How could that be?

“Excuse me, but I was just thinking the same thing. Can you hear me, or something like that?”

Clearly. You don’t sound too sure of yourself.

“I’m not. I’m just getting used to being here and this is just so weird. I’m sorry, they tell me that I’m called Lib.”

Hi Lib, I’m Abi. To use the local terminology, I guess that I returned here a month or so ago. I’m not sure now. How about you?

“About the same, I guess. I met a couple of peo…, entities, who explained a lot to me and I got tired of listening and I just flew off into the dark. I think I was a bit rude, but I needed to be alone and I didn’t care. I hope that I meet up with them again so I may apologize. But, I’ll tell you … it was worth it. What a ride!”

Yah, tell me about it.

“Oh, Abi – I streaked east across water and mountains and went from dark to light to dark and then just decided to float around this hilltop.”

I think it’s a mountain, even though there isn’t any snow on it. You know. Lib, I did exactly the same thing – in the opposite direction. Now what are the chances that we should meet here like this?

“Very small, I would think. Actually, impossible. Yet, here we are.”

Yah, here we are. I’d like to try something new and I’d love it if you joined me. Ok?

“Ok.”

Let’s start by moving slowly so we don’t lose one another. Here we go … are you still with me?

“Yes! This is so easy. And look how high we are already! Oh, my.”

Stay close, Lib. I want to try something. Don’t be afraid.

“Abi, you’re heading straight for that large rock! Maybe we should slow down …. ohhhhhh, wowwwwww! We passed right through it!”

Yah, amazing. And I felt your presence every second. Wow. Let’s go for a swim!

“NO! Abi, no. That’s how I got here. I drowned. I can’t swim. Please, no.”

I bet you can now, Lib. Ok – let’s do a simple test. Follow me for a few seconds. This is so incredibly wild! There’s the sea, watch as we get nearer to the water. Ok. Let’s stop here just above the water line. Are you ok?

“I think so.”

Ok … lower yourself slowly into the water together with me. There, we’re in about half way, I guess. Are you ok?

“Very ok. Amazing. I don’t feel a thing. Now, you follow me … down!”

Oh my God! Lib, this is incredible! Wait, stop for a bit. Talk to me – say / think something.

“I don’t believe this, Abi. I hear you the same as when we were in the air! I also don’t feel any sensation of dampness. How weird!”

Absolutely no distortion in our communicating. Amazing! Let’s go deeper to where there is no light. I want to check if I can see you.

“Here we go … oh my, look at those fish! Woaaa … a big one just swam through you, Abi.”

I know, it was a shark – and I felt no sensation whatsoever! Wow, it’s so dark down here. And look at you …

“Look at you! This can’t be real … your cloud is shimmering and giving off faint gold and blue light. How beautiful.”

You’re glowing orange and pink. Not bad yourself. I wonder what that means. I’m beginning to feel really good with you, Lib. But - I don’t know if that is ok, because I was married with a family. I don’t understand what’s going on and I only know that this feels so special. So right.

“I feel the same. I also feel the need to speak with somebody who can explain a few more things to me. I’d like to do that, together with you, if you don’t mind.”

Sounds like a great idea, as I also have a few questions. Where shall we go?

“Well, up until now, they have found me. Same with you?”

Yah. Let’s fly and flicker our lights and see who appears. But, let’s find someplace dark because I want to see more of you. Whatever you are, you’re beautiful. Here we go.

“This is so interesting, Abi. It’s completely dark outside, yet I can clearly see the mountains. I can also see you as we move through the air. What are we?”

You are two wonderful beings whose time has come. We’ve been watching you.

The three entities hovered over a plain where horses were grazing in the dark.

Well, that didn’t take long. Hi, I’m Abi.

“And I’m Lib. Thank you for finding us so quickly.”

The pleasure is truly mine. I am known as Sha. Your progress has been impressive, considering that you have only been back for a short while. How may I be of assistance to you?

“We have questions, Sha.”

Many questions. Go ahead, Lib. You begin.

“Well, Gli and Bin explained so much to me when I first arrived … returned. They were wonderful, but it was all too much too soon and I ran away. I would like to apologize to them for being rude.”

You will have that opportunity. Don’t worry, they were not insulted.

“I don’t understand how we could not feel the water.”

The thread of life is woven through both of you, me, Gli, Bin, Mo, Clo, the water, the air and every single being and thing on and around this earth, without exception. We are all parts of the same system.

You’re well informed. I see you know about Mo and Clo.

You did not feel the water for the same reason that you were able to pass through the rock. We are pure energy. We are like the force behind the arrow. I have known your mentors for a very long time.

Tell me, Sha … am I a man or a woman?

Yes.

Abi and Lib both began to glow green.

What do you mean, ‘yes’?

We have within us all, both male and female energy. Each has their purpose and each is necessary for us to be whole. We could not exist with one and not the other.

“ What if we are attracted to another being? What role does each play? Who is who?”

Attraction and love are powerful forces. The male and female within us monitor, but do not always control these forces. Like the negative forces of anger, repulsion and hate, the male and female forces need to function in unity, but do not always succeed.

So, things are not so perfect.

What we are a part of is perfect. We however are not.

“Abi and I were told that we have been back here many times, but that only now we are ready to hear and learn. Why have we no memory of these things and why are we ready now?”

Every time that a soul is sent back through a mother and into the physical world, it is because there are either flaws in that soul that need to be corrected, something in that world needs correcting or another being requires assistance. The life forms we are sent back as may be human, insect, fish, bird, mammal or animal. All have souls and all have a purpose. I assure you that you both have passed through all of these stages.

I think I began to glow red while Lib shimmered pink.

This process can take thousands, hundreds of thousands or millions of years. Rarely less. Only when a being reaches a certain stage of spiritual development as a human are they enabled to return here as you are now. From this moment forward, you will remember your physical lives and all that has transpired here and all that happens around you. When you are sent back, after passing through your mother and you have taken your first breadth, after a couple moments of observing and understanding all that is around you, you will forgot all that you have learned, who you are and where you have been. Only upon your cessation of breathing and return here will all knowledge and memory return to you.

Lib moved closer to me.

I had a wife and a little girl, Sha. I know that I loved them and I carry those feelings with me even now … even though I feel something wonderful with Lib. Is there something wrong with me?

What you are feeling is normal. Your feelings for your last family are now embedded within you forever as memories. Every person you ever knew had some role to play in your being here now. Be grateful for having known them. Many earth wives and children await you, Abi, but there will be only one Lib … as there will be only one Mo, Clo and so on.

I feel so stupid, Sha … so insignificant. Who is pulling the strings? Who determines when a soul is ready and who is to be a fish?

We are all part of the whole. Humble acceptance and respect of our own insignificance is a step in the right direction. No one yet has been able to answer your question. Enjoy, Abi, what you have and understand the opportunity that you have been given.

The silver cloud of Sha was gone. Lib and I stared into one another’s mist and began our journey together.

********

“Abi, tell me about your life before you returned.”

Well, I’ll tell you what I can about the only one that I remember. I had a good wife, Emma and a beautiful little girl. She was about to turn four when I ended up back here. They were good decent people who taught me how to consider others before myself. I wasn’t always that way. I was quick to judge and quicker to dish out punishment when I thought it was called for. Thought that I knew right from wrong and when people were out of line. Emma taught me different. Through her, I learned that people see things differently; they see things through their eyes and not mine. Like when I bought our first cow, I saw the merchant as a fat sloppy cheater and someone who thought that I was a fool. I was ready to tell him what he could with his cow, when Emma gently took me aside. She had me look off to the side at his children whom she knew from her many visits to town. They were skinny and were dressed in rags and they didn’t look clean. She explained to me that their mother had died two years before and that the merchant was doing his best to provide for them. They were my daughter’s age and a chill ran through me at that moment. I immediately agreed to pay the price that he had asked and then he refused. He had reconsidered because he thought his price was too high and that he knew my family and our situation. It was ok, he said. He didn’t look so fat to me at that moment and I felt like the cheater. That experience changed me.

“Maybe that’s what got you here?”

You think it’s that simple? I don’t know why I’m here. I left good people who I loved behind and I can no longer do anything to help them. I think that’s why I became frustrated and stopped hovering around them. I think I feel guilty.

“ I also feel guilty for leaving my mother alone. I should have never gone to the sea, as I knew that I couldn’t swim. It was so hot and I just wanted to cool off. I went deeper and deeper until the sandy floor vanished and I was being pulled away. I too stopped floating around my grieving mother because I felt that I was selfish and the cause of her suffering. Oh, Abi, is the solution to our grief just to ignore it? To run away from it?”

I think that we need to be a little easier on ourselves, Lib. We’re not in control of things. We are certainly here and I think that we have a responsibility to learn more while we can. Like our mentors said, we could be sent back again at any moment. I really don’t want to go back there … I want to stay here with you.

“I feel the same, Abi. What can we do to make that happen?”

Let’s begin by going for a ride. High, very high. Are you with me?

“Just try and lose me.”

Our shapeless little souls then catapulted themselves into the heavens in glorious abandon. An effortless expression of being shot through the darkness was not lost on the ancient souls who were designated to watch over us.

********

Lib, do you have any idea how long we have been together?

“Not really. Not nearly long enough.”

My daughter just turned 17. Wow, thirteen years. And she did it without me.

“Oh, Abi, it’s hard to believe how time goes by here. We seem to lack the milestones and it’s as if we measure time by hovering around the former life. We’ve traveled so far and so fast, yet we always seem to come back here. Why is that?”

I think we need a point of reference, Lib. The vastness among the stars is wondrous, yet unfamiliar to us. Whatever, I like it here.

“Do you remember the first time that you moved within me?”

Could I ever forget? It was on a moonless night about an earth year after we met. We were high above a mountain peak in utter darkness and the discussion centered around sex … or the lack of it. Male and female energy surged through both of us and neither was sure what we were feeling. I was glowing blue, while Lib shimmered between pink and green. I moved closer while thoughts passing between us were as silent as the black. My cloud moved into Lib’s. I didn’t know that we could do that. Little sparks. Utter silence. Only a distinct golden glow with silver shards shooting away from our combined being. We felt as one with the vastness about us, with that which created us.

I thought of Emma when it first happened. Did you know that?

“Yes, but I didn’t mind.”

It felt like we tapped into something, Lib. Like some kind of an incredible connection – not only between us, but also to everything around us. And every time it seems to get better, stronger. How did it make you feel?

“Complete, Abi. Secure and positive. Right. I can’t express it in any other way.”

I wonder if Sha and all the others have experienced it? I can’t believe that we are that special.

You both are ever so special.

“Sha! How long have you been listening in?”

Long enough. I am here now to share an important moment with you. Lib, your time to leave us is near. Don’t be afraid, as you and Abi will be reunited at the appointed moment in time.

No, Sha! This cannot be right! I want to go with Lib! Don’t do this!

It is not for you to say and I do not make these decisions. Trust in that which you are a part of.

“Sha, will Abi and I ever be together again?”

The connection has been made. Its manifestation has yet to be decided. Enjoy.

********

Arthur Danbury was conceived 9 & 1/2 months earlier and whose birth time had arrived. For a couple minutes after that first breadth, Lib observed the physician and the mother that allowed the passage to take place through her and then felt remorse about being taken away from Abi. Lib remembered the silent air above the mountain peak before drifting into a conscious state of cognitive oblivion.

Arthur Danbury felt himself being lifted by cold hands and then wrapped in something warm. His next sensation was peace as his head was placed against his mother’s breast … followed by sustenance as a warm liquid passed through his suckling lips and into his stomach.

Arthur would never know of Lib or from where he came. He would spend the next seventy eight years of his life as a son, brother, athletic untamed lover, respected swimming instructor, husband, father, grandfather and revered preacher. He would die from a massive brain hemorrhage and moments later be greeted by an old friend, Gli.

“Welcome back, Lib. It’s good to be with you again. Take a few minutes to readjust.”

“Gli, I can’t believe that it is you!” Vivid images of life as Arthur Danbury played out in Lib’s mind. Childhood, pains, excitement, tastes, youth, puberty, erections, school, a thirst to learn more, disappointments, rejections, vocational satisfaction, mourning his mother and shortly after that his father, the freedom he felt in the water, the thrill of his students winning swimming competitions and the agony over the tragic death of his best friend. He remembered falling in love, marrying his woman and dancing for joy after the birth of his children. Images continued to rush by in a kaleidoscope of life until they focused upon his church and those who depended upon his wisdom. Suddenly, he was no longer Arthur Danbury, but a little girl in rags walking on a dirt path holding the hand of her mother. She played with wild animals who knew they could trust her and she never wandered out of sight of her home on the edge of the woods. Lib saw the wagon ride she and her mother rode to the sea and heard her mother warning her about the untrustworthy nature of the waters. The little girl remained wary of the sea until, thirteen years later, during that hot humid day in August when she would just go in to cool off a bit. All too suddenly, images of a drowning woman shocked Lib into refocusing on Gli and the emptiness around them.

“I remember everything, Gli. I was a young woman and then I was a man who had loved and had a family. How can that be?”

“Like I explained to you when you first returned here about eighty years ago, we are evolving as an integral part of something incomprehensibly grandiose. When I added more details to this mysterious wonder, you flew off and chose not to focus upon me again.”

“I remember now that I wanted to apologize to both you and Bin. It was all too much to comprehend. I’m sorry, Gli.”

“We were not insulted. Actually, Bin and I reacted similarly when we first returned – many lifetimes ago.”

“Do you still remember all the different people you were? Were you also different sexes? Was one better than the other?”

“Every life was memorable and every gender had its ups and downs. If I had to choose, I would say that being male was less traumatic than being female, although I learned more as a female.”

“How far back do you remember details, Gli?”

“As far back as the life, after which, I first returned here. We are able to focus on any life, any family, any experience and any individual. Actually, many over here spend vast amounts of time focusing upon and re-living past lives. We certainly have the time.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know, Lib. That’s one of the great unsolved mysteries … to understand why we must be born again.”

“When I was a young Arthur Danbury, I used to become angry because I was so afraid of dying. And now, we’re afraid of being born. Where’s the happy medium?”

“We’re in it now. Enjoy it, Lib.”

“I remember Sha once saying that to me. Enjoy. Oh, my … Gli … where is Abi? Has Abi been sent back?”

“No, Abi is still here, somewhere. We exist in a vastness and there is much that we don’t understand.”

********

Lib is gone, sent away, sent back. We were good together and I’m angry that we have been separated. It doesn’t feel right because it felt so right. This can’t be good because it was so very good. Something is missing and now I’m confused. Home? This is home? No, not without Lib. Am I supposed to forget Lib like I filed away the memories of Emma and my daughter?

Whoever you are, whatever you are, come and take me … catch me if you can!

The light of me, Abi streaked across the midnight sky, straight up at unimaginable speeds, then arcing right - more energy, more speed and the earth revolved far below as a multi-colored silent sphere – spinning alone in heaven. More speed and a sudden dive straight towards certain oblivion … but nothing was anymore certain. A rush of land and trees disappeared as darkness enveloped me and the belly of the earth encompassed my light. I would not slow down for even a second, not for rock, clay, water or sand until I emerged from a mountainside only to catapult myself far into the blackness of space. I could go on forever, away from the emptiness that gnawed inside me. But, there was no getting away. And there was no physical pain. No tears. Only an empty place where Lib had been. In controlled pandemonium and in a panicked rage, I shot into city streets, through people, in and out of their faces, hearts and eyes – blazing through them like a hurricane through dry twigs and leaves. I tore through hundreds of people, thousands, millions – in a blaze of despondent energy that not a single person felt or would ever even imagine. I stopped next to a great redwood giant and remembered every face, rock and puddle – everywhere, every detail. I remembered the life that was. What about the life to come?

“I told you once that I liked you Abi. I’m glad that I found you again.”

Clo. I recognize you, but it’s been so long. Years. How did you find me?

“Actually, easier than you might imagine. We can stalk over here, too, you know. Are you worried about the life to come?”

I’m upset because Lib was sent back. We were great together.

“You will be together again. We’ve noticed a special bond between you. Meanwhile, you and I can play – when you decide to ease up.

Clo moved so close to me that I felt a spark as our clouds touched.

“You have lost nothing, while you have gained valuable time to learn. Come, the others are waiting.”

Together, in sync, we flew into a dark cave deep within a nearby mountain. There must have been more than thirty entities already there, deep in discussion and falling silent when Clo and I appeared. Each was distinct in their respective glow and no two were alike. The pitch-black environment was ideal for the visual wonders floating before me. An infinite array of color combinations denoted each entity, as sure as the complexities of facial features differentiated between people on earth. There was total silence except for a hush of faint electric energy resonating throughout and among the rocks.

“This is Abi, the one I told you about. Cute, huh?” said Clo.

“Welcome home, Abi.” A chorus of distinct voices (for lack of a better term) chanted together. Then one dark blue entity carried on, “We know that you are distraught about Lib being sent back.”

It’s nice to know that there are no secrets over here. I know that I began glowing a deeper orange. Is there anything about me that you do not know?

Clo sensed my defensive posture and moved to establish trust. “Abi, others will know what you allow them to know. There is a simple technique to filter your thoughts. It is, however, difficult to lie over here because our colors give us away. Watch …” Clo then proceeded to say, “My name is Sha.”

Clo’s entity vibrated with a greenish-yellow hue as smiles could be felt throughout the gathering.

“Excuse me, but my name is really Clo.” The color returned to browns and golds.

And just how do I filter my thoughts? I felt naked without that knowledge.

The dark blue continued, “Simply focus on the thought to only yourself. Each of us has developed a different technique; some use a code word, others think of a number and some spin as they think. The ways are as limitless as there are stars. Find what suits you best.”

I noticed several entities spinning at a furious speed. You must be having naughty thoughts, I directed at them.

“Not naughty, only private.”

“For our minds only.”

“Don’t you wish you knew our secrets?”

I focused inwards and concentrated on the number 8. I’ll shut you out whenever I choose. And so it was.

Many glows began fading to a light blue and seemed to back off slightly. Dark blue moved closer, “You do learn quickly, Abi. Kudos to you, but I assure you that you are among friends. The technique you have just discovered will have its time and place. Use it wisely.”

What about Lib? I was adamant for answers.

An amber entity slowly moved forward and in an absolutely distinct voice said, “Nobody knows why Lib or any of us are sent back or when.”

I focused on the number 8 and thought, so tell me something that I don’t already know.

Amber continued (oblivious to my sarcasm), “The key to surviving the passage of time, in your case – the span of Lib’s new life, is to explore the universe around you. Concepts of time are relative and you have already discovered a key element in your ability to understand this wonder.”

You’re losing me, I admitted.

“That key element is your ability to move at limitless speeds in any direction you choose. Go off into space, like you did before, but do not return so quickly. The vast distances that you cover will only seem to you as momentary. While in reality, years of earth time may pass. We each have chosen a point of reference. I believe that you and Lib chose a certain mountain peak. Focus on it as you move through the incomprehensible void and you will always find your way back there ... from anywhere in the universe.”

Well, that sounds complex yet simple enough, but there is only one problem. How will I know when Lib has returned? I feel kind of lost and somehow empty. I was enjoying life here until Lib was sent away. I enjoyed the sharing. Why can’t I just hang around Lib back there?

“Because you do not know into whom Lib was reborn. You would have had to be there at the precise moment Lib’s first breadth was taken for you to know what body and family to stay near. After two minutes, Lib’s memory of you, us and everything we know was lost until that body is discarded and the return home. When Lib faded from you here, there was no way for you to follow. None of us have that ability. Many of us intentionally observe pregnant women as they give birth and we enjoy conversing for those first few moments with the one who was sent back. Some of us actually end up staying near that person for the entirety of their lives. However, following someone from here to there and linking up has never been accomplished. The odds of being next to the right woman at the precise moment is too astronomical to calculate. What we do possess are the gifts to manage time until our loved one’s return. Focus on your mountain peak and you will know when Lib has returned, whether it takes six or sixty years. The universe is yours. Enjoy it.”

I considered all the shimmering aberrations and felt their positive energy. Clo, have you done that – traveled far away to pass the time?

“Yes, Abi, but for different reasons. It is as they say, you will find your way back – and no, I will not travel with you on your journey, as much as I’d like to. I’d play with you, have our kind of contact, but I understand where you’re at and I’ll just let you be for now. Besides, I like it here.”

Thank you for your candor, Clo. Speaking of our kind of sex or contact, what exactly is it that we are doing? When I moved into Lib, I felt wonderful – like I had tapped into something insanely glorious … but, we’re neither male nor female. So, what’s going on?

Dark blue moved forward and spoke gently. “We have the ability to give and receive that is directly linked to our feelings for the one nearest to us. The act of moving into and within someone is neither hetero nor homosexual. It is simply an intimate act of faith, love, reassurance, empathy or something special that you need to convey to that being. You moved into Lib and Lib could very well move within you as well.”

Lib never moved into me. I think we both would have felt uncomfortable to say the least.

“I assure you that you will experience that with Lib as well, when you’re both a bit more developed. All of us have discovered this wonderful reality over time.”

If I decided to move into someone else, or vice versa, would that be like cheating on Lib?

The blue one glowed a bit brighter with silver sparks popping here and there. “Understand this, Abi … there is no institution of marriage over here nor any authority to symbolically bond any two individuals. There are no legal contracts or ceremonies where one needs to make declarations to anyone. We only have ourselves and our intentions towards others. We are also a part of something that we can never lie to. You may lie to yourself, but never to the life force that we are all a part of. What I’m saying is that you are free to move within anyone who is willing to accept you and, of course vice versa. It is not a sexual act like over there nor are there any offspring as a result of these contacts. If you like someone, then go ahead and do it. It’s our way of what we knew over there as shaking hands, hugging, a slap on the back, kissing or any physical gesture of affection. Clo seems to like you, so don’t be afraid. You would not be cheating on Lib as you will understand when the moment arrives. Learn and enjoy. It’s our responsibility to that which created us.”

I sensed Clo’s excitement and I was unsure what to do. I focused on the number 8 and thought to myself, I’ve got to try this. Thanks to all of you for sharing with me what you have. I need to move on now and go get developed, I guess.

I moved away from the gathering, into a dark layer of rock when I suddenly sensed Clo next to me and suddenly within me. Hey …

“Shut up, Abi. I like you and I want this. I know that you have a special bond with Lib and I could never threaten that. Nobody could. Understand that we have the capacity to feel and express feelings without limitation. We are a part of infinity. Get used to it and enjoy it.”

And just like that, Clo was gone. Leaving me … feeling empty? No, better actually than I had felt before. Again, I emerged alone through the mountain’s side and drifted across the land, unsure of a lot of things while thinking about testing the limitations of time … or not.

*******

Instead of burning up fifty years or so off somewhere in the blackness between the stars, I decided to stay closer to my point of reference and seek out others like me. I traveled solo a lot and at speeds a fraction of what I was capable of. Sometimes it seemed like walking on air. I loved visiting lands and cities that I never knew existed and watching people go through life, totally unaware of the fate that awaited them. I discovered that if I stayed in one place long enough and sent out messages such as, ‘I’d like to get to know you,’ then somebody invariably appeared. Some entity, that is, but not always as I would expect.

“Move on. Get lost. Get a life (snicker). Piss off.” Those were some of the messages that anonymously snapped by me. Those were my first exposures to the less-than-cordial realities of the pre-life.

That was when I met Del.

“I was moving by and I heard your sniveling message.”

Sniveling message? Thanks for stopping by, now goodbye. I seem to have wandered into a bad part of the universe.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I offend the little spirit?”

I have a name and it’s Abi. And you are?

“Del.”

So tell me, Del … why are you on my case? You’re the first jerk I’ve met over here.

“So, you’re one of those.”

Excuse me? One of what?

“A first timer. I take it that you have yet to be sent back. Correct?”

Right. But my friend, my partner was sent back without any warning and now I’m …

“Bored? Why not fly away and try and lose yourself? That’s what most first timers do. That’s what I did.”

When?

“The first time that I returned. You were probably a squirrel back then.”

I beg your pardon … (I felt myself going orange; don’t ask me how I knew, I just felt it)

“Relax, Abi. I was once a snake - nonpoisonous. I’ve evolved earlier than you and many have evolved earlier than me. That’s the way of things. I’m sorry, but I was preoccupied when I heard your message.”

Actually, I’m glad that you mouthed off a bit. I was beginning to think that everybody over here was an angel. I know that I’m not one. So tell me, Del, what were you doing when I so rudely interrupted you?

“Observing, which is how I occupy most of my time.”

What were you looking at, considering how many times you’ve been back here? Haven’t you just about seen it all?

“Only a first-timer would say something stupid like that. A little modesty is in order, Abi. We know nothing, even the most senior among us. We observe facts and we haven’t a clue as to what makes them so. Like that tree over there.”

Ok, I see it too. So?

“Can you even begin to imagine the convergence of multi-layered energies, perfect atomic structures and sub-particle configurations that have taken place over ions of time to make that tree what it is today? And the interactions with all that surrounds it?”

Well … I never thought of it that way. Actually, I don’t think that I have enough knowledge to see things like you do.

“Of course you do, Abi. You only have yet to tap into that bottomless pool. The fact that you were deemed ready to return means that you are ready. Awareness that the knowledge exists is the first step in attaining it.”

I think that will take some time, Del.

“It looks to me like that is exactly what you have … and lots of it.”

********

I spent a great deal of time with Del, years actually. I think. We don’t have calendars and clocks, but you do. For many of us that is our reference and time anchor, so we hang around you and peek. Once, I flew off into space and danced like a mad thing throughout the blackness, flying through huge rocks, some with flaming tails. When I returned to my mountaintop and then into a town, I was stunned to see that four earth years had passed. For better or for worse, Del was waiting.

“I’m glad that you finally decided to take a hike, Abi. I was beginning to think that you were never going to give me some peace.”

Nice to see you again, too, Dull.

“Del.”

I was referring to what you are. So, you missed me, huh?

“Actually, no. But I can’t say that I’m not glad to have you here again. I was beginning to think that you were finally sent back.”

Not on my list of priorities, Del. I like it here.

“You really have nothing to say about it – and you know that. Just accept it when it comes … and make the most of those first two minutes when you get there.”

Why?

“Because it will help you. Hey, come with me. I want to share something with you.”

We moved through a darkening sky into a town that I did not remember visiting before. We were hovering in a business meeting room where smartly dressed men and women were seated around a large conference table and talking.

Del, I don’t care about some business meeting or those people.

“Shut up and listen. Remember how we observed the auras around everybody, everywhere? Well, while you were lost in space, I discovered something fascinating. Watch the second woman on the left and the guy to her left. Pay attention to what’s going on above and below the table.”

Oh, gimme a break, Del. What, now you’re getting off on watching some footsies under the table? Wow, you have been here too long.

“Shut up you idiot and listen. They’re lovers and they are planning to physically hurt the man seated at the head of the table. I’ve been watching them for a few weeks and I noticed something strange in their auras … they are altering their colors and something is different in the consistency as well.”

Aura colors are always fluctuating. So, what’s new?

“Every life has a signature aura and you’ve seen that. Those two people’s auras are not as they were – and they have not yet committed any crime. Their intentions are interfering with some natural law. Intentions seem to be the key to aura stability.”

Well, they seem healthy to me and even enjoying their hidden secrets. What’s your problem?

“Abi, we have all come across pathetic entities over here … like those blinded, unable to move or communicate. We’ve been trying to understand why they are like that and what happened to their energy structures.”

What has that got to do with footsies?

“They are planning something evil, against that other person and I’m convinced that will negatively affect them when they get here.”

There’s only one way you could prove your theory, Del. You’d have to stick by them for years. And then be there when they croak and get here! Are you nuts?

No, I’m an observer – with infinite patience. That’s how we learn things over here. You’re too undeveloped to grasp the essence of what this is all about. Get lost.”

Temper, temper oh developed one. She does have a great shape, though, doesn’t she?

“They both have been blessed with wonderful physical bodies. I’ve got a feeling that they are about to throw all that away.”

I don’t understand … you think they’ll turn into cripples after doing their dirty deed? The guy who killed me is still walking around and enjoying his rotten life.

“You limited little … don’t you see that life goes far beyond those few years in the bodies we use while back there? Somehow, they are changing their energy structures because of their evil intentions and I bet that will affect their existences long after they shed their skins. But, to know just how that plays out, I need to observe them. You’re not ready for this, Abi. You need to be sent back again many times.”

Well, whoever is pulling our strings doesn’t seem to agree with you.

“To be honest with you, I don’t understand why you’re still here. Most first timers would have gone back long ago … like your Lib. We honestly don’t know what the hell you are still doing here.”

Maybe I’m some cosmic messenger sent to make your existence miserable? I don’t know about you, but I’m certainly enjoying the experience.

“I don’t remember ever being so filled with ignorant bliss like you. Don’t get too cocky, my dopey friend, because you could be sent be back as quickly as you returned here. Enjoy what you have been given.”

I am, Del. Hey, look what she just did under the table!

********

Del was right. Two months later the boss was shot dead. The lovers planned it, he pulled the trigger and they made love throughout that night. Somebody else took over the company, they ended up being promoted and earning a lot more money. He was ultimately charged with the murder, but the gun was never found and for lack of solid evidence, he was acquitted. They were enjoying each other, their affair was never discovered and life just went on. Their auras were, however dimmer and seemingly clouded. Something had changed, but I didn’t understand it like Del.

Years went by and Del refused to leave them. I came and went at will. C’mon Del, there’s more to this life than those two jerks. Let’s travel.

“Oh go away, Abi. Haven’t you learned by now that I’m committed to seeing this through? I know that I’m right and I must have the proof. Keep in touch.”

I moved through the light green of Del as I exited the hotel scene that had him so transfixed. We often moved within each other and I knew that in Del I had a true friend.

********

A bunch of us spent a lot of time playing on the moon, earth’s moon. It was refreshing to be away from earth lives that were going on as if we were the one’s who didn’t exist. I discovered something interesting there as we spent long periods of time on the dark side where it was easier to see one another. After extended blocks of time in total darkness, our glows weakened and communicating became more difficult. I’ll try to explain that … those we were with did not always pick up our thought patterns. The further the distance between us (in mere meters), the more difficult it became to be understood. That scared me as I thought I was about to be sent back.

“Relax, Abi. You only need some sun.” Spoken by Tri, who began tagging along a few weeks ago.

Why, am I losing my tan? What does the sun have to do with anything?

“Everything, you nut. You have yet to connect the dots. We, my strange entity of a friend, are solar powered.”

Yah, right. What are we, batteries?

“In a manner of speaking, yes. Move a bit closer, Abi, as I don’t want you to miss this.” Tri began to glow yellow with strings of violet emanating throughout its center. “All of us (and everything everywhere) are made up of atomic, sub-atomic and impossibly finite particles. Tiny electrons spin around the nuclei of some of our particles and this generates our energy, but those things get their energy from sunlight. The infinite number of stars that are all suns are the sources of our own energy. Stay close and follow me while I demonstrate.”

We, all twelve of us, slowly moved clockwise and higher until we emerged into bright sunlight. After only a few minutes of this, Tri led us back into total blackness. I immediately understood the important lesson as everyone’s glow was brighter, more distinct and communicating was suddenly crystal clear from greater distances. Very cool, Tri. Thank you for that.

“Don’t mention it. You have a lot more lessons ahead of you.”

I focused on the number 8 and suddenly felt quite humbled and very different about the sun and endless stars all around me. What if the sun and all those stars stopped shining? What if all the lights went out? I just learned that they are my food source, my sustenance and I wondered if I could exist without them. That thought scared me. First, I was scared of dying, then I’m scared of going back and now I’m scared of serious darkness. Wow, I need to speak with Del.

********

Now, he was watching them eat breakfast. They could puke beach balls for all I cared. Hey, Del … I’m worried about something.

“If I was you, I’d be worried about a lot of things. Finish your moon walk?”

Yes, oh illustrious one. I see that your heartthrobs are still there. Too bad, I thought maybe we could spend some quality time together. May I bother you for a minute?

“You usually do without having received my permission. So, considering that you so kindly asked …no. Piss off.”

I thought about that for a minute. Hey - what about pissing? I just realized that I haven’t taken one for years! Or a good dump.

Del began a slow fade into red. “I’m seriously beginning to question the natural order of things and who for crimeny sake decided to let you return at this obviously undeveloped stage of your rotten existence! You, Abi, are an idiot.”

You’re blushing, Del.

“Sometimes I think that you’ve got the intelligence of smoke, you know that? Now - listen carefully while I explain this to you; no genitals, no bladder, no stomach, … no nothing. No liquids in. No liquids out. How does that grab you?”

Actually, that’s not what I came to talk to you about. But hey, thanks for the physiology lesson. I just figured that as long as we take in energy, that we must expel something back. But hey, you just carry on watching those twits stuff their faces … and don’t forget to watch them when they blow it all out of their behinds.

I felt myself going orange again. Don’t ask me how I know that.

“What are you upset about Abi? Did somebody ignore you?”

Try to be serious for just a minute. What would happen to us if the sun died? Blew up or suddenly ceased to exist? What if that light went out?

“I suppose that we’d be in the dark.”

Well, genius, I became very weak after an extended stay on the dark side of the moon and I discovered that sunlight re-energized me. So, I suppose that the sun is central to our existence.

“You figured that out all by yourself? I doubt that very much.”

I was too late in focusing on the number 8.

“Who is Tri?”

Some jerk who started hanging around me a little while back. Arrogant wanderer.

“I see that you don’t like Tri. I also see that the knowledge Tri shared scared the whatever out of you.”

What do I have to do to get a straight answer around here?

Just ask, Abi. You have only to ask.

Sha! I’m glad that you’re here. Tell me, where did you come from?

You’re not yet ready for that answer. Now, what is it about the dark that has you so terrified?

Del was uncharacteristically quiet.

How, Sha, could we exist without the sun?

There is great energy in the light that we see. There is even greater energy in that which we cannot see.

Oh boy …

Abi, our sun is young and strong. There are countless others like it and usually they are much larger and more powerful. There will always be enough light for you to exist, even if our sun and a million like it ceased to glow. All of those endless numbers of suns throughout the universe draw their energy from the blackness around them. So, relax and as I once said to you, enjoy.

Del, tomorrow will be an important day for you. Try not to let Abi distract you.

I felt then that Sha was gone. Del and I were left floating around while the lovebirds finished their breakfast.

You were quiet when Sha appeared, Del. I take it that you’ve met before.

“Many times. It’s a privilege to learn from Sha. I hope that you understand that.”

I do … and I promise not to distract you tomorrow. Do you usually get hints like that?

“I would prefer that you go back to the dark side of the moon. I really don’t want you around me tomorrow. Sha would only have said that if something important was about to happen and I think I know what it is.”

Yah, one of them will probably croak. So, actually you need me.

“I need you? I don’t think so.”

There are two of them and only one of you, Del. Sha didn’t mention which one will be returning and I think he meant for you and I to work as a team. With all due respect, you could have been watching the wrong one on any given day had the big moment arrived.

I think Del’s light blinked. “That’s true, Abi. But even if I had chosen the wrong one at the wrong time, then I would always have the other to observe for as long as it took. But, you know … as long as you’re around, let’s do this together.”

I do believe that was Sha’s intention. They’re getting up to leave, so should we split up now?

“There’s no hurry, Abi. Whatever is coming will happen tomorrow. This will give us some time to prepare ourselves.”

How could Sha know what is going to happen? Is he God? Or some high-ranking lieutenant?

“Sha is another like us all. Only more senior, more developed and a lot wiser.”

Are there many others like Sha?

“Countless others. They appear when they need to. Don’t bother looking for them because they will find you if need be. I find it most interesting that Sha has bothered with a first-timer like you at all.”

You know, Del … sometimes you are less than thrilling to be around.

We moved high over the city, moving in and out of one another and discussed how we would cover both subjects the next day. Del would stay close to the shooter and told me to watch the woman. That was fine with me as I enjoyed looking at her, regardless of what she had done or intended to do. When something started to happen, we would notify the other, meet up and together watch the show. I was excited to be there when one of them returned.

********

What was that?!

“Shut up for a minute, Abi. I did not expect this.”

About a minute ago, the horny shooter was writhing on the floor of his apartment. Del signaled for me to get there immediately and I arrived just before he stopped convulsing. His eyes rolled back as if looking for his brain, his right leg jumped one last time, white drool leaked out of his mouth and that was the end of lover boy. In the air just above his dead body was an audible ‘pop’ and then nothing. No cloud. No mist. Nothing. I began moving higher up as I remembered how high above my body I was when I returned. Nothing.

“How blind could I have been? I was so absorbed in watching his aura change color that I missed it. Sha set me up for this instead of simply explaining it. I should have known. I should have asked the question … Sha always answers questions. Damn.”

Wow, Del, I never saw you go grey before. What in the world just happened?

“The genius that I’ve been watching and waiting for was not ready to be allowed to return. He was not spiritually developed enough and he’s probably on his way back there again now somewhere far down the food chain.”

Do you know that for a fact?

“No, you idiot … nobody knows. It’s all conjecture. I’m only an observer …”

And not a very good one at that.

“Shut up, you imbecile! I’m disappointed in myself and I’ve wasted too much time.”

Well, it’s not like you had anyplace important to go. Ease up, Del and maybe you should just thank Sha.

Color was slowly returning to Del’s cloud.

“Thank him for what? For making a fool out of me?”

No, for teaching you some humility. You assumed to know too much ... about things that we’re not supposed to know. Sha is what I call a good teacher.

“I suppose that you’re right, Abi. Still, I should have known …”

But - you didn’t and now you do. So, I guess we can stop watching his girlfriend, huh?

“Are you sure that you want to stop?”

Very sure. Feel like going for a ride?

“Lead the way, I’m tired of making decisions.”

********

I would have to say that the most incredible, awe-inspiring facet of the pre-life is our unobstructed ability to move around at will, go anywhere at immense speeds, to hover over any one place, to go up, down, over, through anything and observe life from unimaginable angles and in every light. I simply never get bored - as the universe is truly mine and I understand my humble place within it. My gratitude for being a part of this magnificence is overshadowed only by my humility before our creator. The center of my power and ability to exist as I do lay in the humble acceptance of my own personal insignificance in the grand order of things.

That is how I am able to pass through vast periods of time on my own, even though nobody here is ever really alone. Everyone here has the ability to communicate, connect and be around others by simply willing it to be so. Or not. We have the privilege of solitude and the blessing of camaraderie with no social or authoritative hierarchy to demand or bend us to any will other than our own. What I have begun to sense is that my behavior, attitudes and intentions will have a significant bearing on when, where and why I will be sent back again. I dread the thought. The mere fleeting consideration of losing my absolute unhindered freedom, my ability to go anywhere at will, my blossoming understanding of the universe and the joy of being able to communicate with anyone is a far deeper and more traumatic fear than the fear of death ever was.

Death was fear of the unknown. Going back again is fear of being cut off from eternal secrets and having to start all over again as an imbecilic infant with no memory of the grandeur while totally dependant on those around you.

********

Del and I traveled great distances together throughout the blackness of space, around other planets, asteroids, moons and comets. Long periods of time went by without conversation, although we were both aware of each other’s presence and that was a comfort to us both. We moved in and out of each other freely, although it was never like it was with Lib. My relationship with Del fascinated me.

Del, let’s head back and check how long we’ve been gone.

“We were never gone, my friend. When you go back again, then you’ll be gone.”

Thank you for reminding me. Hey, maybe I won’t have to go back again.

“Everybody goes back again, Abi. As I’ve said to you a thousand times before … we all go back.”

Even you? You seem rather secure and stable here.

“I’ve been sent back when I least expected it and it used to make me angry. I was like you – all filled with wonder and confidence in my uniqueness, but going back humbled me and reminded me that I’m a part of an incomprehensible whole. In time, I just resigned myself to the inevitability of it all and I made the most of those first two minutes of life back there. That helped.”

Tell me what it’s like, Del. When do you realize that it’s happening and what do you feel?

We had drifted back to earth and were floating a few feet above an ocean, popping through cresting majestic waves as we spoke.

“The first time it happened, I obviously didn’t understand a thing (as you will not) – so let’s skip ahead about 20 lifetimes when I knew what to expect and made the most of it. It feels almost like you’re being pulled away by some invisible magnetic force

and this process takes a few minutes. While it’s happening you see the place to where you are being drawn. Any memory of that place will only become apparent to you again upon your return here. Unfocused images begin flashing by and there are unexpectedly several moments of darkness accompanied by an almost suffocating closeness all around you. You suddenly feel physical pressures upon your new body as you struggle to move ahead. Pretty soon you’ll feel the sensation of breaking free and probably the hands of others who are assisting your new mother upon you. Then, within a few seconds, you will gasp and take your first breath. That moment of glory is almost beyond description as you gaze at those gathered around you with wisdom and insights that they will never attain throughout their entire current lifetime on earth. You look at the woman chosen to be your mother with resignation and a deep understanding that you will spend an earth lifetime together. You understand what has happened and that many years will go by before you return here. It’s about then that panic begins to set in as your memory, awareness and understanding begins to fade and you may find yourself twisting in protest - and in the next few seconds you are completely helpless. A newborn baby at the mercy of your mother and the society into which you have been born. Those two minutes will have a lot to do with the development of your temperament as a child and an adult, should you be there so long. That’s about it, Abi.”

Are you telling me that the fetus, the child growing within its mother only receives its soul (us) when it’s on its way out?

“Yes. Even though your connection to it was determined at the moment of conception, you will only become aware of it and enter that body as it emerges from the mother.”

Wow, that might upset a few people down there if they knew. Tell me, do we ever miss the boat? Could a baby slip through without us?

“That happens regularly throughout the world. Those are the stillborn infants.”

My goodness, what a cycle. Has anyone ever not gone back again?

“No.”

Then I guess I should just make the best of everything and enjoy myself while I can.

“That, Abi, has already been wisely suggested to you many times.”

********

Besides all my traveling and discovering, I spent long periods of time observing my wife, daughter and brother as they lived their lives, grew old and died. The fear they each experienced before their deaths was palpable and I was helpless to console them, yet because I know the truth, I knew that they would simply be returning to the source and be blessed to carry on as whoever they are. You might be asking yourself if I greeted them upon their return. No, I did not and actually very few of us ever do. The odds of being in the right place at the right time are infinitesimally small and by the time that their turn arrives, we have invariably moved on.

Some inner or outer instinct (which one is really insignificant) had me moving back towards a familiar mountain peak. It was dark that night with only a sliver of the moon showing and I loved the solitude, the knowing that I was part of all this.

“Hi, Abi.”

It was Lib! Unmistakably Lib. I felt myself begin to glow and was speechless as I gazed upon that light.

“What, nothing to say to me after all this time?” Lib glowed soft amber with flashes of pink sprinkled throughout the light.

I don’t know where to begin, Lib. Where were you? Who were you? I have so many questions. What was it like going back again? I want to know everything. I’ve missed you so.

“Oh, Abi, your glow is even more beautiful than I remembered it to be.”

You thought of me while back there?! How can that be?

“No silly, I mean since I returned. I’ve been thinking and asking about you, but I’ve also been very preoccupied with observing my family, friends and those who depended upon me while I was Arthur Danbury.

You were sent back as a man?

“I certainly was – and what an experience that was. Growing up, loving, fathering and teaching. Quite the life it was, but I’m so glad to be back here now with you.”

How long have you been back now?

“In earth time, probably about a year. I’ve been hovering around those I left behind.”

Oh, Lib … I want to know so much. A good friend of mine who has been back and forth many times told me what it was like going back when already knowing what to expect. But, I’ve got to hear it from you because it was your first time.

Lib’s light had a pulsating rhythm that radiated a calm spirit.

“I remember being with you and Sha and being told that my time to go back again had arrived. I was panicky, angry and afraid. The fear was driving me crazy. Then all of a sudden I wasn’t near you anymore, I couldn’t hear Sha and I was in total darkness, totally alone. I didn’t understand what was happening and I was helpless to move or do anything about it. I remember screaming and it sounded like a muffled echo and then I felt physical pressures all over and around me. I hated it, Abi and I was calling out to you. Then, I saw strangers standing around me and doing things to me. I was struggling and still trying to call out to you, but the words would not come out and I remember the sounds as a shrill cry. I didn’t like anybody there because they were not you, my anger intensified and I suddenly felt myself drifting away again, like going to sleep. Then, I was a totally helpless little baby boy. And so, my life as Arthur Danbury had begun.”

Fascinating. During your life, you really didn’t remember anything about all this and the truth of our existences? Not even hints or flashes?

“Nothing, Abi. It was as if I was never even here. I had to learn everything over again and my new life was reduced initially to drinking, feeling cold or warm and sleeping. It was such a very long road, looking back from this perspective. I don’t know how any of us ever get through it.”

How long were you there, Lib?

“I returned here after 78 years. So much happened to me throughout that lifetime, Abi. I’m amazed and happy that you and I are together again, but I’m still readjusting. Please be patient with me.”

Lib, I feel whole again now that you are back with me. When you were sent away it took a very long time for me to adjust without you and accept the lonely reality. I hated it and could obviously do nothing about it. I didn’t even know who you had become and that added to my frustration. I have met many others since then and my best friend is someone called Del. We have been together for the majority of the time that you have been away.

“Should I be jealous?”

That’s your choice, Lib. We did everything together, but Del was not you nor ever expected to be. I’m very close to Del, but my soul is linked to yours. I hope you still feel the same.

“Even stronger than before, Abi ...”

Lib’s glow went to a soft blue with little gold streamers seeming to reach out and go back again.

“Please, move into me.”

I was afraid as I slowly moved towards the pulsating light of Lib. Ambers, pinks, crimsons and golds shimmered in a dance of welcoming anticipation. The moment of contact or connection or whatever you want to call what we do over here was magical – like taping into some eternal inexhaustible energy force of goodness and love. I moved ahead until I was consumed within that light. We stayed like that for a long time, neither of us speaking. I suppose if anyone had been observing us, as I have no doubts there were, they would have seen a beautiful spectacle of vibrating radiance, showering the air of that mountain peak with gentle multi-colored sparks.

Oh, Lib … how I have missed you. Do you mind if I stay in here forever?

“This feels so right, Abi. So complete. If this is a dream, then don’t ever awaken me.”

We drifted together like that in silence until the darkness around us was replaced with morning light. I moved away, but stayed close. It felt as if an important hurdle had been crossed and that I had arrived to wherever it was I was heading.

You know, Lib, I moved in and out of Del and vice versa, yet it was a completely different experience. It was bonding and reassuring, but not with all the emotion I feel with you. I love you so much.

“I love you too, Abi. These feelings are incredibly powerful and far beyond what I felt for my wife. Doesn’t that sound crazy? The lack of sexual boundaries over here can be confusing. Hey, you said that Del moved into you? Why didn’t we ever try that?”

I honestly don’t know. Want to try it?

“Maybe later. I want to savor what we just had.”

Well then, how abut introducing me to your family back there? I’d love to share that part of your life.

“Oh, Abi. I would love that. Can we go now?”

I’ll follow you.

We moved west across the United States and down into a small rural city. We circled a quiet tree lined street until we stopped above a simple ranch type home with small front and rear yards. Two rocking chairs were nestled comfortably on the covered front porch, surrounded by potted plants and colorful flowers. Soft music could be heard from inside and we drifted through the ceiling into a modest living room where a white haired woman sitting on a two seater sofa was knitting quietly and tapping her foot to the music. There were pictures on small tables and every wall, mostly of children at different ages in their lives, family portraits and a few of the woman with a man. They were a handsome young couple and both had aged gracefully. There was a Bible on a corner table with a black and white beautifully framed photo of Arthur Danbury, complete with his white collar, adorning the wall just above it.

You were a priest?

“No, Abi, I was a pastor. In my later life, I gravitated towards helping people; first the elderly and later young people who sought my advice.”

So, that’s your wife. I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that this feels a bit weird. I guess I’m still coming to terms with our sexuality – or asexuality. What about you? What are you feeling?

I felt Lib moving around the room, observing the white-haired woman from different angles. “I feel gentle love for that woman, Abi. She was my earth partner for more than four decades. Our three children came through her and we were blessed with seven grandchildren, as you can see in the large center family portrait. That photo was taken a few months before I returned here. I’ll get to your question in a moment. Please – right now, I need this time, here, with you. Ok?”

I focused on the number 8 and thought to myself … I could actually do without this, as I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable. Kind of out of place.

Take as long as you need, Lib.

We then floated silently through two bedrooms, a den with one wall lined with well-stocked bookshelves, a quaint white and green kitchen, a garage with no car, but lots of boxes and a back yard with a neatly mowed lawn and flowerbeds in each corner. There were chain link fences drawing lines between properties. I thought to myself; how temporary and insignificant are those boundaries. I then followed Lib high into the sky until we stopped where we had a panoramic view, the Pacific was visible farther to the west and the land below was without any visible boundaries.

“You also had a wife and daughter, Abi.”

A very long time ago.

“Have the feelings you had for them disappeared? Do you ever miss them?”

I’ve been here long enough to place my former earth family, loves and people I knew into a different perspective. They all played a part in helping me to develop into who I was and they have all since returned as well. Since being here, I have learned so very much and everything looks different than I once imagined. I value every treasured memory, Lib, but they cannot compare to how I value what I have found with you.

“I understand what you’re saying, Abi. I also love and value what we have. You have a bit of an advantage over me because while I was living another life on earth, you were gaining wisdom and experience over here. We first met as equals, but now I don’t feel that way. It feels like you have moved on far beyond me and in some odd way, it feels unfair. I didn’t want to be sent back, but I was. And now, I have to deal with all my memories – my wife, children, grandchildren, friends and fellow churchgoers. I can’t give you 100% of me until I get to that place where you are. Does that make sense, Abi?”

Of course it does, Lib. I’m sorry for being insensitive and expecting you to carry on as if we had never been separated. I still think that we’re doing pretty good though. Last night was a first for us. I had never been within you for such a long time.

“That was amazing, I’ll admit. It went so far beyond anything I ever felt with my wife – and there were some glorious moments with her. You said once that we tap into something, Abi. What did you mean?”

We drifted back down to above some snow-covered mountains. I loved the nearness of Lib.

Some force or some intelligence created us, Lib. It also created order and everything else that we can see and not see as well. Whatever it is, call it God or nature or energy, it is so far beyond our comprehension that the only thing we can do as benefactors of this benevolence is to appreciate being a part of it. I believe that when you and I connect, as me within you, that we somehow touch the essence of our being and caress that which created us. I also believe that we experienced something similar while on earth, during the moment of orgasm. I remember the wonder of that feeling and I understand now that it hinted at what you and I have found over here.

“Oh my, you have moved on, Abi. That was a beautiful explanation that makes so much sense. Yes, we tap in. I like that. I love you.”

I feel energized when I’m around you. You make me so happy. So, are we are a ‘couple’ or what?

“A couple of nuts, for sure. Now you’ve got my mind spinning … tell me … you were a man and I was just a man and here we are tapping in and loving each other. Does that make us gay? I loved my wife, so am I bi? What’s going on?”

I think that I’m beginning to understand what’s going on, but remember that I’m still a relative newcomer over here. Look, we don’t have the ‘parts’ that we had over there and those obviously determined whether we were male or female. People on earth gave social designations to people of the same sex who desired and loved each other, but over here we don’t have the ‘parts’ or any such designations. Were you ever curious about being with another man while you were Arthur?

“I have to admit that I had thought about it, but never acted upon those thoughts.”

Ok, then that hinted at the multi-sexual true nature of who we are. On earth, we were limited to being either one or the other, while over here we are whole. We have it all – with nobody passing judgment.

“Does that mean that people who live as bisexuals on earth are actually more developed spiritually than heterosexuals?”

That’s a good question, Lib. I’m certainly not in any position to judge anybody’s development, but I’d say that those people are closer to a universal truth than they or others might imagine.

“I was so judgmental of anyone who admitted to being anything other than hetero. I feel a bit foolish now.”

You are not foolish, you’re merely learning like we all do. That’s part of the wonder of all this. What a gift we have been given!

“I love being back with you, Abi.”

Are you ready now to move into me?

“Yes.”

Lib slowly entered my light and became one with me. I felt both of our apprehensions overlapping our mutual desires. Within seconds there were only soft vibrations and peace that I had never known until that moment. Was I revolving or were the heavens and mountains dancing around me? How was it possible that life could offer such a complete feeling of ecstasy and grandeur? I had truly tapped into the essence … I knew it. I didn’t need any technical explanation nor did I want it. I had been shown by my Creator a secret and made privy to its wonder and majesty. Lib. I love you, Lib.

********

Lib and I were inseparable. I waited patiently as Lib spent time around the family and friends left behind and, as I experienced over time, Lib needed to be near them less and less. Life went on in the present and the wonders of our universe had a tight hold on Lib as we cavorted throughout the heavens. On one such journey, Lib was shocked to discover upon our return to earth that three years had gone by and that Mrs. Danbury had passed on – returned to her real self. Lib would never know her again. Instead of any sadness, Lib was at peace with the knowledge of the life cycle.

I’d like you to meet Del. What do you say?

“Lead the way, Abi. Oh … what a life … “

After circling above a region that felt right, I focused and dove straight into an old age home, a hospice actually and next to my old friend.

Back to bother me some more, Abi?

Great to see you again too, Del. I brought somebody that I’d like you to meet.

Don’t tell me … the mythological Lib?

The one and only. Lib, meet weird Del.

“Abi has told me a lot about you. I’m glad to meet you.”

As am I. Haven’t you anything better to do with your time than waste it with Abi?

“Oh, Del is as cynical as you warned me about, Abi. But, you also told me that Del was very interesting, knowledgeable and experienced. So, Del, who are you visiting?”

Nobody. I’m observing.

Del is a kind of cosmic voyeur, Lib … get’s off by watching the other side rather than interacting with his own kind. What are you doing in this hospice?

I’m an observer, Lib, been around a long time – much longer than junior here – and I’m simply trying to learn more about this mystery that we seem to be caught up in. I’ll have you know, Abi, that I’ve made some startling discoveries during the time that I have been blessed with your absence. After that fiasco with lover boy, I decided to settle in here and see what I would see.

“Lover boy?”

Remember, Lib, that story about the guy who shot his boss, finally died and disappeared? That was ‘lover boy’ and Del doesn’t seem to have gotten over it yet. You see, Del expected to be present when he returned here to observe how he would be punished for his murderous deed. The guy never returned here because he obviously wasn’t ready to. He hadn’t earned the right. So, old dim-litted wise one – why are you spying on those wretched souls?

They are terminally ill people and not wretched souls, you imbecile. I have been listening to their stories, watching their auras, observing them as they return and then hang around them and watch. Many of them remain here for anywhere from a day to a month and then ‘poof’, they’re sent back again. I’ve been documenting my observations and have learned some interesting things.

“How are we able to document anything?”

My dear Lib, we remember everything. Don’t ask how; just believe me when I tell you that it is so. As we are all parts of this incredible whole, our collective memories are the domain of the greater cosmic experience and we, each of us, are the trustees and bearers of our personal memories and experiences … to be called up at will.

Lib was amused by the banter between Del and me, while being drawn to Del’s tale.

I noticed that people who were liars, thieves and those who treated others with disrespect were the first to be sent back again. They were also greeted here by antagonistic and unsympathetic beings who shared little of the wonder, but were quick to point out the newcomer’s shortcomings. I remember having heard on a few occasions, “Now go back and learn how to behave” or, “Maybe you’ll think twice next time before you speak.” It was at that moment that the person was sent back again … as what or whom, we’ll never know. It seems that those near death who admit the error of their ways and are honest with themselves and our Creator are deemed just worthy enough to get a peek at life over here before being sent away. A just reward if you ask me. I’ll share with you some fascinating knowledge that Sha shared with me not long ago. I take it, Lib that you know of Sha?

“I certainly do!”

Sha explained to me the principal of automatic retribution. You, Abi at the time were gratefully off on one of your fly-abouts. It seems that every human action on earth that hurts or intends to hurt another human or any living thing results in an irreversible attraction of negative energy to the perpetrator. Call it a cosmic judgment and nonnegotiable passing of a sentence that will be carried out the moment that person takes their last breath. No lawyers, no court of appeals, no weaseling out … only the raw responsibility for one’s actions to be paid in full and whose punishment is determined by our Creator … and none less. I now understand that that accounts for those pathetic beings I have come across who are not able to move or communicate for ages and are then sent back to earth somewhere far down the food chain to begin it all again. Others are sent back immediately, like lover boy and other murderers; they never get a peek over here or even have a hint of what life is really about. Ions of time will pass and their souls will have become so diluted that maybe one day they will have learned enough to return to the source. Many never do.

“What if a person was hurt or even killed as a result of an accident?”

Intent is the key, Lib. Things happen throughout life that are often beyond a person’s control. Recklessness that causes harm on earth will be punished or paid for in some manner over here … usually by being sent back again soon after arriving. It seems that when one intends to do harm, that a negative transfer of energy takes place that the person is not even aware of until it is too late. People are given choices and those decisions are what determine how, in what capacity and where we continue our relative journeys. All life and creation is electromagnetic energy in one form or another. Everything we do interacts with the energy systems all around us. In simple terms, take what is not yours and you will pay it back in one way or another. And nobody has anything to say about it. A simple, natural law.

You have been busy while I’ve been away, Del. I’m glad to see that you’re finally learning something and not just chasing your tail.

“Thank you for sharing that knowledge with us, Del. I’d love to see Sha again.”

Sha has a habit of arriving unannounced and when you least expect it. Tell me, Lib … have you wondered why Abi has yet to be sent back again?

“Actually I have thought about it, but was afraid to bring it up. Do you know something that we don’t?”

Not when it comes to Abi. Neither I nor anyone else understands what Abi is still doing here, this being the first return.

“Should I be worried, Del?”

Not worried, Lib. Just be ready. Abi was a mess when you were sent back.

Well, it was really good seeing you again, Del. You’ll excuse us if Lib and I have to move on?

We shot up into the sky and I took Lib to the moon. I needed a rest.

********

I thought to myself, looking back at the earth from our vantage point on the light side of the moon, how everything was so mesmerizing. We never tired of the infinite ways we could observe creation, its boundless colors and inconceivable beauty. What a gift we have been given.

“Abi, isn’t it amazing that we never sleep? When back on earth, I loved to sleep and I needed it so.”

Oh, yah. But I much prefer the meditative states that we enjoy over here. I’m amazed that they’re almost limitless in scope. When you were Arthur Danbury, I spent a lot of my time meditating and drifting and I was surprised that sometimes weeks went by before I came out of it.

“I love it when we meditate together.”

I love everything we do together, Lib. I love it so much that anytime I think about being sent back again, it drives me crazy. I don’t ever want to be away from you.

“Forever is a long time, Abi.”

Not long enough. Hey, changing the subject a bit, there’s an interesting group that I’d like to visit with you.

“Who are they?”

A bunch like us, only more experienced and pretty interesting actually. Shall we?

Lib stayed close as we soared through the blackness of space and sped towards earth that grew in size, overwhelming us with its majestic grandeur. By the way, we had yet to encounter another planet anything like our earth.

“Abi, how do you know where to find them and if they are even together?”

I can’t explain it, Lib. I just feel it.

And feel it, I did. I was drawn back to that cavernous pitch black hollow deep within some mountain that Clo once took me to when Lib was gone and inexplicably, there they were. Again there must have been thirty or so entities, all glowing in their unique individual brilliance. Clo however was not among them.

A bright blue entity that I remembered moved towards us and spoke first. “Welcome back, Abi. We were beginning to wonder if you had finally been sent back. Don’t tell me … this is Lib, right?

Right you are. My friends, meet my soul mate, Lib.

The lights moved around us in a welcoming manner from above, below and in every direction. There was an immediate atmosphere of being among friends.

“I’m glad to be among you. And you are?”

Bright blue answered, “I’m Nal,” and then proceeded to introduce each cloud. Each time a name was mentioned, the corresponding cloud would glow brightly and exchange a few words with Lib while the others seemed to do an intentional fade so as to not interfere with the process. The difference between these introductions and similar ones that everyone experiences while in a human body at earthly social gatherings is that we remember every name and corresponding color … forever.

I was curious what the topic of discussion was when we interrupted them. “So, Nal, what are you talking about today?”

“Religion versus reality, Abi. All of us here belonged to many different religions and sects during our various lives back there. It’s sad to realize that we lose the essence of understanding after those first two minutes following the birth process – and that entire lifetimes are spent there searching for answers to the human riddle.”

“I was a pastor in the town where I lived,” Lib said, moving freely among the lights. “I tried to assist people in their understanding of God, or lack of it. I never imagined that life was so simple, although complex. “

Nal continued, “It’s discouraging to see how people search for good or truth through the so called organized religions and create so much misunderstanding along the way. Many never make it back here because they become so consumed in their misguided righteousness that they harm others who do not believe like them.”

A green and yellow entity named Pog spoke next. “In my last two lives I was a Jew and then a Muslim. Fortunately for me and those around me, I was not infected with extremism and I tried to stay away from those who were – but there were so many! I couldn’t understand what was so difficult in accepting that people traveled different paths while basically searching for the same answers. The extremists and those that they contaminated created so much ugliness. It seemed that even the so-called religious leaders would, in faith and blind arrogance, lead their followers down a path of intolerance and imbed within them an inability to accept that there may be other answers than those they preached. I actually turned away from religion in both of those lives.”

“And I’m sure that had more than a little to do with you being here today,” answered Nal. “If humanity only had an inkling of what the results were when intentionally causing harm to others, there would be many more here today.”

The other entities injected their own observations from past lives …

“Religion made people so angry.”

“There was so much hate.”

“People were drunk with religious power.”

“What did clothing have to do with being right?”

“Yah, I hated being forced to dress as others said I should.”

“There was so much resentment that I couldn’t talk about.”

“There was so much fear and religious leaders exploited that.”

Nal glowed brighter and moved back to address the gathering, “We all understand now the true essence of life and how meaningless many things taught to us were. It’s just a pity that we haven’t figured out a way to take some of this knowledge with us when we are sent back. So many problems would be solved.”

I sensed that Lib was feeling uncomfortable. “What is it?”

“I don’t understand something,” Lib began to the crowd. “How do you explain the prophets and key historical figures that entire religions are based upon? They were people like us who must have gone back with vast knowledge. And humanity is waiting over there for their return, for a messiah. I believed in it myself.”

There is no messiah in human form, Lib.

“Sha!”

The crowd gathered around Sha’s silver and gold brilliance that seemed to appear from nowhere.

There never was and never will be. There were fine gifted people who walked the earth and hinted at the essence and ecstatic beauty of life, but humanity missed the message. It was more important to package and market an idea than to simply listen to it.

Sha let that sink in before continuing.

Look around you; each of your lights is different. There is no such thing as one light being more true or right than any other. All of our lights together are what is true. The ‘messiah’ that you refer to, Lib, is already there. People have only to look around them. Every face is a reflection of their own and every idea is a piece of a vast mosaic. The key is mutual respect and humility in the face of creation. There is no exclusivity in the march towards understanding. When people realize that, they will have found their messiah.

“Why can’t we be sent back with this knowledge, Sha?” asked Nal.

Actually, you are. Life is about discovering this while there. Some do. Most don’t.

I couldn’t resist asking, “What about dictators, politicians and corrupted religious authorities who wield vast power over people? They are responsible for so much suffering and what’s wrong with life back there. Isn’t that why people crave a messiah – to vanquish corrupt authority and to save them?”

People have only to choose, Abi and their choices will determine who they follow, what they believe and the revelation of truth. As I said before, there is no messiah in human form.

There was absolute silence as each of us internalized Sha’s words. What overwhelmed me more than anything was the simplicity of it all and the question – would I remember any of this when I am sent back?

********

Later, Lib and I spent quiet hours in the ocean observing the miracle of aquatic life. It was fun positioning ourselves so dolphins would swim through us and we had a wild ride with a large male dolphin that didn’t even know we were there. Or did he? We would never know.

Lib was still preoccupied over our encounter with Sha and the group. “I was a pastor, Abi and I didn’t brainwash anyone or try and turn them against other religions.”

I don’t remember Sha or anyone saying that you did. What’s bothering you?

There was agitation surrounding Lib, something that I had not encountered before. “Abi, I need to tell you something. Sha’s words cut deep into me because I remember saying something to somebody and I see it now as wrong.”

Lib, slow down … what are you talking about? Do you mean when you were Arthur?

“Yes, I was 75 years old and a trusted pastor in my church and community. A woman my age came to me, distressed at having lost her savings to a swindler. The man’s name was Schwartz and he ran a private investment firm. As it turned out, he disappeared with her money as well as the funds of several other unsuspecting people. ‘Jews can’t be trusted’, I said to her. She agreed and now that I think back to that, I feel terrible. I guess I wasn’t as good as I thought I was.”

I think you’re over dramatizing, Lib. You didn’t hurt anybody by your comment.

“Yes I did, Abi. I hurt myself. I wonder if I’ll be bigoted when I’m sent back again? Over here we see things differently, but we forget it all when we go back. So, what good is all this knowledge?”

I’m the last person you should be asking that question to.

********

During one of my meditations, thoughts about life as you’re experiencing it now floated in and out of my mind. I’ve now been over here for much longer than I was on earth and I love it here infinitely more. So why did I focus on certain scenes … emotional scenes? There was a little boy caught in a war or a battle and his little six-year-old leg was pinned under concrete debris. Soldiers who were not his skin color were moving towards him as they fired their weapons over his head at others who looked like him. Bodies fell; blood spilled and ran into puddles that quickly soaked into the dry battered earth. The firing stopped as armed men ran past him, over him, until one stopped and looked down. The automatic rifle that was hanging over his shoulder was pointing at the child and the soldier then slid it around so it lay on his back. He then lifted the piece of broken concrete off the boy’s leg and lifted him into his arms. They looked into each other’s eyes for the longest time and then the boy rested his head on the stranger’s shoulder and cried. The soldier also began to cry as he walked forward into the battered remains of that place and on towards his comrades.

The next scene was of a small ragged dog being mauled on a quiet suburban street by a several-times-its-size muscular black beast that was something between a pit bull and a rottweiler. A man then walked up quietly behind the monster, grabbed its neck with his left hand and began pummeling its head with furious right fist after fist. He then somehow, still with only his left arm, lifted the dazed creature off the wounded little mongrel and into the air. He then proceeded to pound its head another several times before dropping it in a heap onto the street. The blood of the ragged little dog was smeared across the beast’s mouth as it lay there gasping its last breaths. The man then gently lifted the torn and wounded little guy into his arms and the next scene was at the veterinarian’s clinic. The little dog sat crookedly on the examination table prior to being stitched, looked up with tired grateful eyes and gently licked the hand of the man who saved him.

Why those particular scenes played out in my mind, I don’t know. I didn’t know any of the people or the dogs. Just two disconnected scenes. I came out of my meditation and did not move nor speak. I was alone and I felt something that I didn’t remember feeling since returning; I felt a pang of yearning. I felt and understood that life on your side is blessed with moments of grace, even during times of great adversity. And those singular flashes add grand meaning to your life … and I miss it.

********

“You’ve been meditating a lot lately, Abi. Is something bothering you that you’d like to talk about?”

I told Lib about the two scenes and how they made me feel.

“Are you saying that you are ready to go back again?”

I don’t know, Lib. It’s just that I felt like crying, but there’s no way out for the tears over here. I simply felt a yearning to be able to do it. That sounds nuts because when I was a man over there, the last thing I would do was to let myself cry. I guess that’s the feminine kicking in.

Lib was quiet for a minute before responding. “When I’m not with you, I usually go back to my church and observe the kids who have grown up and how they’re coping. Well, life certainly is going on well without me, but when I see them suffering from loss, anger, a broken heart or some addiction, I want to reach out and comfort them. That’s what I miss and I think about it more than I’ve let on. I wonder if these feelings will hasten our being sent back?”

Who knows … but that would mean another lifetime apart from one another.

“That’s true, Abi, but in the greater picture, it’s only a speck on an infinite horizon. I love you and love sharing what we do, but I’m also aware of how being sent back enriched me. I have to be honest with you … I’m ready to do it again and I’m full of wonder as to who I might be.”

Lib’s words made me feel vulnerable and I forgot to focus on the number 8 when I thought that.

“Please, Abi – don’t be threatened by what I just said. You’ll understand when you’re sent back and then return here again. We’ll have so much more to share!”

Yah, you’re probably right, Lib … but this is beginning to feel like a farewell party. Let’s go for a ride.

And off we went together along our limitless path that was becoming more complex with each passing moment. There are so many levels to life with one facet building upon and feeding off another. The more I thought about it, the natural order of things seemed to be intertwined with the coming and the going, the in and the out, the up and the down, the male and female, the plus and minus ... the life and death cycle of learning and development.

********

"Abi, do you hear that?! Is that music?"

I was lost in echoing thought as we flew through the blackness of deep space, the earth a mere speck in an endless expanse. Yes, Lib … I do hear it – or something. What could it be?

"Abi … it's so - beautiful and peaceful. Listen. Melodious vibrations, rhythmic and … and so soothing. Oh, wow. I've never heard anyone speak of such a thing over here. Have you?"

No, never. Now this is really interesting. We're not close to anything, yet the sound seems to be moving through us. Do you feel that too?

"Oh yes. Ahh, this is amazing. Let's just listen."

I focused all my attention on this newest wonder. It was almost like a melodic wind, but there is no wind here in the vacuum of space. It sounded, it felt like softly vibrating strings blended with whispering chimes and air passing through some impossibly perfect form. The sounds and the vibrations lulled me into a deep meditative state where I saw magnificent lights, brilliant yet soft … almost too beautiful to gaze upon. The sights and sounds made me want more – made me want to become one with it. Maybe I already was? This even went beyond tapping in. It was … pure joy, the essence of peace and grandeur. Maybe - the symphony of creation? Am I nuts, or what?

"Abi? Abi, can you here me? Abi!"

I heard Lib's words echoing around me and it took me a few moments to refocus, to let myself be pulled away from whatever it was that had consumed me. Hi, Lib. It's gone.

"What was that, Abi? How could we both have just experienced that?"

I haven't the slightest clue, Lib. I only know that nothing, not even becoming lost inside of you, could compare to that. It was like being consumed by perfection.

"Yes, that sounds right … very well put. I just loved every second of it. I wonder why not even a single being has ever mentioned this phenomenon to us."

Well, I think I know just the one to ask. You ready?

"Ready."

Let's go!

********

We soon found ourselves drifting above our snow-swept mountain peak when I felt an immensely strong pull to the north of us. I followed the sensation with Lib close by, while not knowing where we were heading. It was very dark with no moonlight at all and then we saw it. A gathering of lights that increased in brilliance the closer we came. I had never seen so many entities together at the same time. It was impossible to count them … there must have been millions. There was no particular order to this congregation of life, other than the fact that there was absolute silence – almost a reverence in the air. Then, I saw it.

"Abi … oh my God, what is that?"

Before I could respond, a familiar presence whispered to us both …

Shhhhh … be still, my friends. Witness a wonder!

Sha was near to us, offering no explanations other than to keep us quiet and to observe. And observe we did.

The sight before us was unlike any entity we had ever seen before. The depth of its brilliance was like gazing into infinity and its size seemed to waver from all encompassing to that like our own. And then it spoke.

I am known as Kol. I am like you and all else in creation. I travel distances that you have not yet imagined and I am here to share with you knowledge, facts of the incomprehensible universe that we all are a part of. Creation is beyond our understanding, however I am privileged to share with you some of what I know and a bit of what I have seen.

I sensed that we were in the presence of an incredibly old yet highly intelligent being. I have often been humbled by those I have come across, but never anything like this. When it spoke, I vibrated and was in utter awe.

There is pulsating life all throughout our universe. Vastly different from the earth forms that are familiar to you and that you all have passed through, yet essentially the same. There is universal order that each of you possesses and reality beyond your current comprehension. You are not alone. We, all of us, are part of an incompressible whole. There are worlds of fire that would melt your sun, worlds of cold that would freeze it, worlds of water without land, worlds of wind where no mountain could stand, worlds of absolute darkness and worlds of vibrations where nothing stands still for even an instant. In all of these worlds and countless others, there are those like you who grapple with natural laws and who try to find their place within. Bless every experience and every soul that you come across. Learn from each. Understand your bonds, appreciate that you carry a torch and that you have a responsibility to our Creator. I am on a journey, like you, but I doubt that I will pass this way again. The way is open to all of you. Many from this world have already journeyed out after waiting many lifetimes for answers that are not to be found, like those from other worlds have done. The universe is abounding with energies and souls who, together, are the essence of creation. Fear not the unknown as when all this began, nothing was known and nothing was certain. You have been chosen … now, enjoy.

And just like that, the entity known as Kol was gone. The innumerable lights began to dissipate, each to its familiar surroundings. Sha, Lib and I remained.

As long as I have been around and with deep respect to all that I have seen, that is the first time I ever saw Kol. We have been honored. I have heard of such an entity, but never met or saw one. Quite an amazing experience.

It was like being in the presence of God.

We are always in the presence of God, Abi. That is what being a part of creation means. Kol moves between distant galaxies and worlds beyond our comprehension. We are fortunate to have been here for Kol's pass through our world.

"But, why us, Sha? We are so young and inexperienced."

The message, Lib, is that there is essentially no difference between Kol, you, Abi, me or the countless multitudes. We are simply a part of something grand and we are not yet ready to understand what it is or why we have been chosen. Like Kol said, enjoy it.

I then shared with Sha our experience of the celestial music.

All this during the same day? During your short existence? Incredible, Abi. I too have heard of the music, or vibrations that you speak of, but I have yet to experience them first-hand. Few ever do. You both are truly fortunate. I cannot explain why you experienced it, but I do know that the blackness of space is filled with unseen energies, vibrations and wonders.

"I'm so confused, Sha," mumbled Lib. "I'm so overwhelmed with everything."

Embrace it all, Lib. You and Abi have experienced something few ever do or ever will. Respect the wonder. Accept your humble place and allow every new experience to overcome you with reticence.

Then, Sha too was gone. Only Lib and I remained where multitudes had thronged. What we had seen and heard will remain with us forever.

*******

I enjoyed spending long periods of time on the dark side of the moon, gazing out into unhindered space – knowing that I could go anywhere at anytime. Lib needed some time alone to absorb what we had seen and was back near the church of Arthur Danbury.

"Hey, Abi … long time no see."

Hey, Pog! How have you been? The last time we spoke was inside some mountain and you were lamenting on about the negativity of organized religion. Have you been back again since then?

"Naw, just hanging around, enjoying everything. You know how it is."

Oh yes, I certainly do. Did you see Kol?

"Oh yah, I don't know anyone who wasn't there. That was one cool gathering. I never saw so many of us in one place. How did you like it?"

I'm still in awe. You know, we could just fly off in any direction and never return. You ever have an urge to do it?

"No way, my friend. I'm waiting to be sent back again as I really miss the physical. I can't stop thinking about it."

What exactly are you referring to?

"I think I'm addicted to beautiful bodies. I spend ions of time just observing them over there."

Men or women?

"Both. In each of my lives, male and female, there was a recurring theme of intense sexual desire. I loved the sculptured hardness of a male who would fill me and I worshipped the shape and feel of a woman. When not engaging in the sexual act, I was always content to just observe my partner. I loved it."

Well, you could not have been particularly naughty, as you are here. Right?

"Yah, I'm here all right … but I wasn't as noble as you might think. I played around on my husbands and wives, but never out of anger or frustration with them. I needed more experiences – like tasting different foods at a banquet. I felt like it was my responsibility to do so."

Sounds like justification to me, Pog.

"Listen, Abi … God gave us sexuality and I believe it was meant to be enjoyed. More than that – I believe it was expected of us to use what we'd been given … to the fullest extent. The trick was to do it without hurting or taking from others anything that they didn't want to give. When I experienced orgasms, I felt connected, or something like that."

Tapping in.

"What? That sounds interesting …"

It's a term that I came up with over here when I was in Lib. The sensation that I felt was like tapping in to some primal source or energy, similar actually to what you said about the moment of orgasm. It's unlike anything else. (I focused on the number 8 and withheld my recent experience with the celestial music).

"Exactly! Tapping in … great way to put it, Abi. When I was having sex with whomever, I was so very aware of the privilege of it all and I never sensed that I was doing something wrong. I was gentle and loving with my partners and during the act, I often silently thanked God for the wonder of it all. Was I selfish? Maybe you could call it that, but I always made sure that my partner was ok with whatever we were doing. And yes, I wanted and needed orgasms that fuelled me spiritually and I believe kept me physically healthy. I never took anything by force and if I couldn't have what my mind and body desired, I always had my hand … and I used it regularly."

You must have had some wonderful relationships and experiences. Was there any one in particular that stands out in your mind?

"Actually, yes – but not how you might imagine. I was a man in my last life, in my fifties, seen and had it all, married and sitting by a country club swimming pool on a hot and sunny day. My wife was shopping with her sister at the time. I was soaking up the sunshine when I noticed a very young woman several meters to my left who was probably in her early twenties. Actually, it was she that was brazenly noticing me. She was … perfect. Gorgeous face, black wavy shoulder-length hair, black bikini – seductively swollen on top with a string of golden stones holding each side of the bottom to her thighs. She wore gold tapered earrings, red lipstick and had manicured red nails – fingers and toes. I couldn't understand why she kept looking my way, but I didn't mind that she did."

Pog's light went from a bluish green to orange with flashes of red and yellow throughout. It also seemed to throb as the story unfolded.

"My sunglasses hid the fact that I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She wasn't wearing any eye protection and she didn't seem to care. Her lounge chair was next to the water's edge, to the left and slightly forward of my own so I didn't need to turn my neck to watch her. My eyes followed her every movement. Before lying back onto her chaise lounge, she sat, raised her arms above her head, stretched her back and thrust out her perfectly proportioned bosom that strained their silken triangular restraints … all in clear view of the willing voyeur to her right. Then, she raised her right leg as if inspecting her pedicure, holding the angle while peeking in my direction. Brazen little hussy! Her skin was alabaster, flawless and smooth as fine granite. The contrast of the black bikini, red nails, golden earrings and stones and her black hair was breathtaking. Never had I seen such seductive beauty – and the kid was putting on a show for me. Why, I will never know. After lying on her back for several minutes, she got up, stretched and bent forward to dip her hand in the water at just the right angle for me to observe the swaying profile of her breasts, the backs of her strong legs and the welcome curvature of her buttocks sweetly covered in stretchy black. She also looked back towards me to her left while her hair fell seductively forward – no smile, no frown … just making sure that I was there. Then, she stood, stretched some more at perfect angles showing me every molded contour of her body in profile and returned to her chair. She raised the back so she was in a slightly tilting back sitting position and looked directly at me again. Did she know that I was staring at her? Could she feel it? Could there be any doubt? Something powerful passed between us at that moment, Abi. I felt it in my soul and I will never forget it. I had imagined her being next to me, under and over me. I fantasized about making love to that young creature while never taking my eyes off of her beauty for even a second. No words passed between us during my vision, only silent acknowledgement of the moment. After about another forty minutes of her indescribably stellar performance, I got up, threw my towel around my neck, picked up my beach bag, took one long last look and walked out … never to see her again. I lived out that life with visions of her until my dying day. And that, Abi, is why I need to be sent back again. Somehow, somewhere, I will find that soul and bond with it. I just believe it."

I hope you do, Pog. That might be your soul mate. Lib is mine and the fulfillment I feel goes far beyond what you experienced near that pool. I have no idea how you two would ever hook up again, but I suppose crazier things have happened. The odds of me meeting Lib when and where I did are incalculable, so anything is possible. I hope you get what you want.

"I deserve it, Abi, I will get it and I don't care how many lifetimes it takes. Somewhere down the road, you and I will meet up again and I will introduce you and say, 'I told you so'. See ya."

Pog disappeared and I was alone, floating there on the dark side of the moon – counting my blessings.

********

Before heading back towards earth, I stared into the blackness. It was similar to once having stared into the abyss off some distant cliff, but it was different. The abyss made me feel fear – the fear of falling and certain death. The blackness simply made me wonder. It was looking into the face of infinity, understanding that I was a living part of it, yet totally ignorant as to how or why or what it actually was. I could head off in any direction and never turn back. I could follow in Kol's footsteps, or just create my own. Fly to other worlds, experience alternative existences and learn more of the mystery. Maybe that was a clever way to avoid being sent back again. But, I would be going it alone, without Lib. I love Lib, but I love what I am and what I am a part of even more. Lib could be snatched away for another lifetime at any moment as could I. So why hang around for inevitable frustrating pain? The black beckoned me. Invisible forces pulled at and tantalized me. I merely had to will it, think about moving out at the speed of light and never look back. No fear. No danger of falling.

Who was I kidding? The closer I moved towards that decision to go was exactly like stepping off the ground and into that abyss. Fear ... of the unknown, of the incomprehensible. Like I learned ages ago; we tend to stay near the familiar and I really do understand why. So, am I a coward? Maybe. With all the unknowns out there, I choose the reassuring energy of Lib and Del and all the others who have become a part of my existence here. Family. Are they my family? I guess that depends on how we draw the tree.

********

I found Lib near the church of Arthur Danbury.

"Abi! I'm so glad to see you. Oh my, you don't waste any time, do you?"

I moved inside Lib the moment we saw each other. I had to. I needed that assurance, that instant gratification of knowing that that was where I belonged. We stayed like that … silent for several moments, as our energies tapped into the essence of it all. Lib seemed to need it as much as I did. In some inexplicable manner, we were hugging and holding on to each other with a fierceness that only a long separation between lovers could generate.

After moments, or hours or days or weeks … I don't know … Lib finally spoke.

"Welcome home."

Nice to be home. I love you, Lib.

"Been to the moon again?"

Does it show?

"Those visits definitely have some affect on you. What is it that you do out there?"

Look around and think.

"That can be dangerous."

You know, Lib, I considered bolting out into infinity and not coming back.

"But, you did."

Yah, I backed off. I don't want to go through this without you. With so many unknowns out there, we … you and me together - reassure me. And I'm so damned afraid of one of us being sent back again.

"We have no control over that, Abi. The fact that we have found each other is what is reassuring. Stay in the present. Isn't that what we have learned?"

Things seem so different when I'm here with you, in you, or you in me. I don't know what I'll do if you get sent back again.

"Maybe you'll go before me?"

Then, I'll have no choice. But, if it's you then I don't know what I'll do. There's a magnetism out there, Lib. I'm afraid that it might be stronger than my love for you.

"Not yet it isn't." After a moment to let that sink in, Lib continued, "I'm tired of being around this church, Abi. I don't belong here any more."

I slowly moved out of and hovered near Lib.

Why? What happened?

"Life happened. My wife and kids have grown and died. I hardly recognize the congregants and I don't particularly like what I see. There's so much new technology and people's values seem to have changed. Materialism has taken root that didn't exist when I led that church. People seem lost. Maybe that's why so many have left this world and ventured out into deep space, just like Kol said."

And you have no control over that?

"None whatsoever."

Well, then. Let's go for a ride!

"Great idea. Let's go river rafting!"

Rafting it is …

After a breathtaking bolt into the sky, we headed west over that magnificent country and shot down and through cities, buildings, people, trees mountains and rivers … until we found the one we wanted. Deep within some forgotten gorge, great torrents of white water were driven madly by gravity and natural forces. In perfect synchronization, we rode the waves and passed through the boulders beneath them, laughed and screamed with glee as we burst through the white foam, in and out of the cacophony of river madness. In those glorious moments there was no moon, no beckoning blackness, no church and no struggling people. It was only Lib and I bonded in the insane abandonment of the moment.

********

We found Del at night alone at a beach, uncharacteristically quiet.

You ok, Del?

Sure. Fine. What brings you two here, Abi?

The same thing that always draws me to you … stimulating conversation and wonderful warm receptions. Why are you alone?

I'm alone because I chose to be alone. Now, why don't you two go chase a comet?

"It's wonderful to see you again, Del. We've been riding some rapids and it was amazing!"

Wonderful. Why don't you go skiing while you're at it?

Oh my. Who pissed you off today, old friend?

"C'mon, Del. We were feeling wonderful and we wanted to see you. What's bothering you?"

I'm bothering me, Lib. Sometimes when I think too much, I get like this. Don't take it personally … just go away. Both of you.

Nope. You should know by now that that doesn't work with me, Del. What's up?

Del realized that it was futile to try and chase us away. I was thinking of an insignificant moment during my last life on earth. No big deal.

"It couldn't have been that insignificant. I've never seen you like this."

We hovered a little closer to Del, almost touching his light. Ok. Back whenever,

I was writing down some thoughts while looking at a photo of my old dog. Scruffy little thing who was with me for seventeen years before he passed over. He was my best friend. My purring cat was nestled in my lap making it difficult for me to write. I loved those two animals, more than I loved any person I ever knew over there. The vision of them both brought back my love for them and the overwhelming frustration and pain at having lost them forever. That, I have never gotten over. No big deal. This too will pass.

Hey … maybe I'm you're old dog?

I doubt that, Abi. You talk too much.

"I understand your pain, Del. We'll just leave you alone. Come on, Abi."

No, Lib. I like bothering Del. Besides all the bravado, Del doesn't really want us to leave. Do you, old pal?

The light of my friend went from a pale blue to light green with silver streaks running through it. Abi, you're impossible.

"Abi!!! Something is happening to me! Oh no – I'm being taken away again! No, no, no …"

Horror and naked fear rushed through me as if I was being pushed into the abyss. Why now? Why Lib … again?! It was happening too quickly.

"Abi …!"

Lib!!! Focus on me, on us, godammit! Make a difference, Lib! Never forget me!

Lib's light faded quickly and all too soon I was gazing at sand and a pulsating Del. I felt dizzy.

Abi. Abi … talk to me. There is nothing you can do. I wish it was me and not Lib being sent back. I'm sorry, my friend. I'm so very sorry for you both.

********

I don't know how many years have gone by since Lib was taken away again. I've witnessed global natural disasters, shifts in the balance of power between nations and technological advances beyond imagination. I've watched human beings kill each other with a fervor never witnessed before. Idiots. Blind pathetic lot. To think that Lib was lost somewhere in all that was sometimes too much to bear. Don't think for a minute that pain, frustration and feelings of helplessness belong only to your domain. They are an inseparable part of life – over here and over there. My friends here have all experienced it, some more, some less. I spend more and more time on the dark side of the moon, contemplating my own fate. Should I wait for Lib, only to be devastated again? Should I just head out into the black and take whatever creation has to throw at me? Will I ever find some other way to tap in? Is there another way?

I traveled back to my windswept mountain peak. Memories flooded my mind of the wonders that I have been privileged to share with others and those that belong to only me. There's a constant battle between the beauty and the pain and I suppose that love has a great deal to do with how we tip the scales. I know that when I focus upon loss, then I feel lost. When I focus on Lib, then I momentarily feel a power surge … inevitably drained by the bittersweet taste of reality. I force myself to remember the words of Sha and how to gaze upon the greater picture. I know that Lib will return and that we will fly again together. Knowing that keeps me here. I understand that I have been blessed and to throw my ultimate future with Lib away because of some momentary lapse of judgment and perverted perspective would be unforgivable. It was so easy to scorn Del's bad moods when Lib was by my side. Look at me now. At least Del found productive ways to journey through the labyrinth of life and I would do well to learn from that. Lib will return and I will be here to greet that amazing little cloud. However long it takes.

********

I was drifting aimlessly above some quiet river when an old acquaintance happened by. Well, if it isn't my first mentor, Mo. How have you been?

"Very well, Abi. I understand that you have had quite a run, this being your first return. You know, nobody really understands how or why you have not yet been sent back again. But then again, there is so very much that we don't comprehend."

I sensed that there was some inexplicable 'knowingness' in Mo's light. However, that flicker of a thought faded quickly as I said … If I wasn't such a coward, Mo, then I'd fly off into the black and take my chances out there. I'm so restless these days.

"We all go through similar periods, Abi. I also don't think that you are a coward. Be respectful of the forces that you are a part of and appreciate that there is more than just fear that is keeping you here."

I don't understand, Mo. I didn't fly off because I was afraid of what might be out there waiting for me. Simple as that.

"What has kept you here is far from simple, my friend. You have bonded with others and you are going through a process. There is much more for you yet to do and complex energies are involved. You will see."

I'm glad to see that somebody is trying to talk sense to my friend here. How are you, Mo?

"Fine, Del. It seems that you have gotten to know our special friend here quite well."

Relatively. Abi can be a moody bugger, but all in all, not a bad soul. What brings you back here anyway?

"What brings anybody anywhere, Del? I stopped asking questions like those long ago. Besides, it's nice to see Abi again and I'm glad that you happened by."

It's frustrating, Mo, that Abi has not been the same since Lib was sent back again. I wish I understood what's keeping Abi here.

Well, if I'm not a coward for not flying away into deep space, like Mo says, then I guess I'm here to torment you, Del. And if I might remind you, my friend, you have been more that a little moody these past years. So why aren't you off analyzing somebody's aura or trying to explain what you yourself will never understand?

My dear Abi … I ask questions, observe and prefer to not be spoon-fed information, like others I know in this crowd. I have been back so many times that I am now able to humbly accept my limitations and not be afraid to seek knowledge on my own. There is a rhythm to all of this that you will hopefully one day understand.

"Abi is Abi and that, Del, is what makes these experiences all the more memorable. Let's just enjoy them together while we can."

Again, I sensed an unrecognizable sparkle in Mo's light, almost as if I was meant to understand something that was not said. Del and Mo were both uncharacteristically silent as I felt something I had never experienced before. It felt as if I was being pulled away by some magnetic force … against my will. I tried moving against it and mentioned this to my friends. Their lights flickered in unison, almost as if they were smiling at me – in silence. The pull became stronger and I suddenly realized that this was the first involuntary event of my existence since returning here so many years ago. Intense fear gripped me. The abyss was rushing up to greet me.

********

So, is this it? Am I on my way back? Has my grand episode run its course and my fear of losing my privileged place amidst the grandeur about to become reality? Oh, my God – oh, my God … I'm so afraid. I don't want this – I DO NOT WANT THIS, I shouted to my friends who were fading into nothingness. They were all too suddenly gone and I felt more alone than ever during my existence. I felt myself speeding up, with no control as to where I was heading. Focus, Abi … FOCUS! Remember what Del and Lib had shared with me about their trips back! I couldn't focus as I was not in control and more intense fear gripped me as if I had fallen from the cliff's edge and was tumbling into oblivion. I was suddenly enveloped in a silent blinding light that I could not understand nor gaze upon. Just as I thought that I could no longer bear the brilliance, I was in total numbing blackness. My sense of being catapulted through space suddenly was replaced with an almost imperceptible cessation of movement. But, I was still moving … pushed or pulled I couldn't be sure. Something was squeezing me, constricting me while pushing me forwards. I tried to stop moving and screamed to STOP THE INSANITY AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE! Nobody was listening. As if mocking my fear and anger, the forces that were in control edged me onwards. I felt physical pain. I had forgotten that ugly sensation and I hated it. I was angry and fighting, although I was unable to move my hands or feet and my futile battle only made me fall into frantic despair. Then I felt intense pressures upon my head. I was no longer being pushed, but suddenly pulled by my head. I fought with every bit of strength that I possessed and tried twisting away from whatever had a hold upon me. The more I twisted, the fiercer I was being pulled … as if we were in an epic struggle for supremacy. My head was in agonizing pain when the pressures and grip suddenly moved to my shoulders. My head was free and I felt as if I was being regurgitated by something that no longer wanted me … no longer needed me. I fell into cold hands and gasped as a gust of breadth rushed into my lungs. My eyes opened and the first thoughts that raged through my mind were Lib … Lib, where are you? I don't want to be here without you! Panic. Sha, tell me what I should do. Del … I'm back again. I should have followed Kol. Remember the blackness, Abi – don't forget that everything comes from the blackness between the stars. Remember the multi-sexual nature of us all. Don't be afraid, don't be afraid. Who are these people around me? Why are they wrapping me in something? Not so cold now … but why are they placing me upon this brown woman's heaving body? Everyone in the dilapidated wooden structure was black or degrees of dark brown and they were continually speaking with my mother. One of the attending women was crying as she fumbled with the limp stub of what should have been my left arm. A man with short black curly hair and a dirty white shirt, the one who had pulled me out, spoke to the woman upon whom I lay, "She is a lovely girl, Monamba. She has one good arm and a strong body. Do not worry; she will bring you much joy." I tried screaming to them that my name is Abi and that I am whole … perfect in every way as we all are. I tried screaming that this is all some colossal mistake and that I don't belong here, that I belong with Lib. Just ask Del or Sha – they will explain everything! The only sounds that escaped my pathetic lips were unintelligible whimpers and whines. The people around me patted my covered back as memories of the windswept snowy plateau and raging rivers and mountain caves and darkened moonscapes and flying effortlessly through the air and Lib … and Lib … all faded into blurry nothingness.

End

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